If I were to be perfectly honest with myself, I would have to say too many dead bodies fertilize my mind’s garden. Every nook and cranny between the roots is filled with soiled insecurities.
I’ll never have that part of you; the rose bud that blooms once before it dies, the rose bud the bee came and laid upon all night. You are tainted by a lover’s long lost touch, while I sit here pondering why I’ve always drowned my rose bud with pesticides.
But all I ever wanted was you. Your touch. Your lips pressed on my quivering lips. Your hand brushing through my tangled hair. Your voice. Your soothing words to calm my anxiety. Your whisper echoing into my ear. Your love. As you dance with me in your quiet room. As you look into my eyes as if my soul was a book only you could read. As you tell me my past doesn’t define me. As you lay right beside me under warm blankets. As you make me laugh when I feel I might cry.
Yet, I don’t feel quite enough. I’ll never be her. I’ll never have that part of you, while you might one day have that part of me. I’ll never be her. The girl you loved first. The girl you said you’d marry. The girl you chose instead of me. The girl you gave your heart to. The girl who took everything.
And now I’m here. Like the cake you get at a restaurant when they run out of your favorite kind of pie. I know you say you love me…but those same words were once hers.
And while I was always yours, you were hers. I love you like the first glances from 3 years ago when I first met you. I love you like the way my heart was slowly letting go of you the year and a half you were hers. I love you like the other boys hands I held trying to forget you. I love you like the love I never had for anyone else.
And while my heart belonged to you, yours wandered off. I’m not sure I could ever leave you, and that’s why everything we have is in your hands. I feel so disposable. Like, if I try to forget everything that went wrong, I’ll be weak for you, even when I vowed never to be weak for anyone. But if I keep remembering, I’ll be weak to my insecurities, the demons that enclose me with ever so high walls.
I’m so fragile for you. In different ways you’ll break me. I’ll break without you because you keep me glued together. I’ll break with you because you’ll eventually have to see all the parts of me hidden away.
Please, just don’t stop fighting for me. Run after me if I try to leave in my anxiety. Remind me that I love YOU, because I’ll try to pretend I don’t when it gets serious. Remind me that YOU love ME, because I’ll find every excuse to prove to myself that you don’t. If you can stick it out, I know you’re the one.
Fight for the fragile love. It’s stored inside the locket tucked away behind the socks, in the drawer, in the dark room inside my chest. Fight for the love I never thought we would have.