Everything takes me back

Back to that moment

That moment when I mumbled

“I love you”

 

Every song I hear

Sparks a memory,

Like fireflies lighting up the gloom,

plunging back to darkness

 

Every word she breathes,

unique in their own way,

Speaks to me.

Her words drip with unintentional venom

paralyzing my heart

 

Everything I see

(Reminds me of)

The sweetness of her smile

(desperately striving to uncover),

The brightness of her laugh

(desperately working to unleash),

The trumpet-valve fingers flying

(desperately attempting to hear)

The music of us.

 

Each and every day

 

This pain

This terrible blinding pain

Pulses and oozes,

A gaping old wound,

Opening to spill fresh memories,

 

because of her

It’s awakened by darkness

Moments when I am

alone,

 

As if she might step out of the shadow

And whisper,

please.  please.

 

We’re a castle in the air,

a rainbow in the field-

An illusion. A mirage.

 

Some unforeseen haven,

Where I cannot find her,

Steals her from this world that I live in,

Yet she is there by choice.

 

This pain

This deadly driving pain

Is fueled by her light,

The light of my life, and

Warms my soul,

sparking my heart, kindling into flame

 

This pain

This screaming, crying pain

Tells me to hurt her back -

Bicker and fight.

“She hurts you every time she speaks,” it proclaims.

“Do to her as she has done to you,” it pleads.

I respond, “I will not fall into your trap.”

I argue, “She has not intentionally hurt me.”

 

This pain

This insufferable, cutting pain

Feeds my fears.

A beast of hurt and hate

Lives in me,

And, with every burst of pain, it

Shakes off more of the slumber I placed there to keep it down.

If it does fully awaken,

None will be safe.

All will know my wrath:

Raging. Roaring. Rearing.

 

This pain

This dangerous living pain

Lives in me,

Controls me,

Breaches me, and it

It takes sweet dreams of her

And warps them into nightmares,

Nightmares that deny me sleep

 

This pain

This thieving, weakening pain

Holds me hostage

Bound and gagged,

And I remember -

The moment when she cried in my arms;

The time when she called for me over everyone else;

The point when disaster personally struck her;

The time when I was drawing and

She laughed and asked, “Are you painting a pretty picture?”

 

This pain

This conniving stinging pain

Breaks through my veil of solitude

Leaving me open to attack from the outside,

But they don’t know my pain.

They don’t understand what I’ve lost.

They don’t see how it kills me,

So they pile on more pain.

Their comments sting:

“It’s your fault she’s gone.”

If only they knew the whole story, the real story,

they’d understand.

 

She remains unaware

Of how much she has hurt me.

If she knew

She would despair,

Cry out to me, and

Place herself in more danger.

I couldn’t do that to her,

Even after all she’s done, so

I won’t tell her, because

I love her.

 

This terribleblindingdeadlydrivingscreamingcryinginsufferablecuttingdangerouslivingthievingweakeningconnivingstinging pain

Is here to stay.

 

Only she,

With her beautiful black hair that shines in the light,

And her deep soulful brown eyes constantly viewing the world with hope,

can heal the wound.

 

Only she, with her sweet voice,

Like honey and lavender as a noise,

And her infectious laugh that echoes inside my heart,

Can heal that wound.

 

She holds my life in her hands,

Controlling my very being,

Like some perfect puppet master

Pulling every string

To make me dance.

 

Only she can realize

My love for her is fueled by pain.