He Didn't Even Touch Me



He was masturbating behind an open door.
The messages he sent me could no longer be ignored.
I knew he was a 200 pound marine with a loaded gun,
And I'm a 110 pounds in the fetal position
with only my exact-0 knife to defend me.
He text me to come and play,
because that's what it is to him. It's a game,
and he was looking to score.

He had instilled so much fear inside me;
it's as if he might as well have just raped me.
I was nauseas and sobbing.
And crying so loudly I couldn't hear my twin say "let me in."
I thought the knocking was him.

I eventually open my door, petrified.
She reads the text, and she awakens my parents.
He is yelled at but nothing is done that night.
And he stays in my house for the last time.
That night I continued to fear for my life.
He's gone now,
but I still have the nightmares.

He knows where I live and where I go to school.
He even knows my daily schedule.
We shared the same bathroom, and I folded his laundry.
It all just makes me feel more disgusting.

Later my older sister says he did the same to her as he did to me,
Except he brushed his genitals against her when she was only wearing a two piece.
He never touched me.
She told me to keep it a secret.
He was my mother's nephew and my sister is not my mother's daughter.

I'm taken to a therapist with so much in my head.
She says you were sexually abused.
This doesn't make sense.
He never touched me.
I was sexually abused and he didn't even have to touch me.
She says you need to talk to a detective
To protect other girls from having their security violated.

I tell my family I'm considering pressing charges.
My mothers says "you'll ruin his life.
He'll be put on the sex offender list."
Like he didn't ruin mine?!
I share my sister's secret and learned that she was right to keep it
When my father says "Well she was kind of a floozy then,
And that he doesn't have faith in our justice system."
My twin sister says "I don't think he's that bad of a person,
You are lucky it could have been worse."
An old friend says "I wouldn't take it that far."
What?! He only violated by dignity
As a human being!

The justice system is a fail
Because he can make a plea deal
To help him escape a class D felony.
My father says he's not a pedophile,
Because even though he's 29 and I'm seventeen
I'm not even a year away from being eighteen.
And I'm so close to be considered "legal"
What he did is not that disgusting.

My mother gives him a justification
"Maybe he has PTSD, Kristin."
He's made out to be a war hero who fought for "freedom,"
But I can remember him telling me he visited a brothel in japan.
A crack addict alcoholic who also smokes weed and
Who raped sex slaves and you've made him out to be
a brave hero who fought for people to be free.

Maybe I shouldn't seek justice because,
it's what I've been taught by past generations.
My mother was molested and wants to keep it a secret
Because she doesn't want my grandmother feel guilty.
Because the blame always lies with women.
Because my mom was elementary school age,
the blame lies with my grandmother.

She was supposed to know that the man was misogynist.
By what? the way he looks?
But a girl is a slut if she wears a tight dress and high heels.
She's asking for it.
She wears what society tells her to wear,
But is later convicted for it.
The blame with my sister for not learning about modesty.

Men are hardly ever forced to take responsibility.
He says that he was "just joking."
I'm a female and that means I can't be taken seriously.
My mother tells me "think of your aunt
And her having to pay lawyer fees."
If I press charges I'm the responsible one
For tearing the family apart.

We live in this culture that dehumanizes women.
The songs on the radio even propagate rape.
If things continue sex abuse will only
Be considered a minor scrape.

And while I have a few friends that encourage me to seek justice.
They don't understand fully the circumstance.
I feel guilty for hurting,
Like I'm supposed to count my lucky stars
That he never touched me.
I'd be the one to blame for hurting my family.
I'm supposed to feel sorry for him
Because he fought for our country,
The land of the "free."
Free to do what he wants without consequence?
And it's pointless to do anything
Because most likely the justice system will fail me.

So don't you dare tell me
"Feminism is no longer relevant."
I don't mean to say females are better than men,
But that we should be treated equal to them.
I need feminism because
I was sexually abused, and he didn't even have to touch me.
Now is the time for a revolution
Because I'm tired of being told to let it be.


Need to talk?

If you ever need help or support, we trust CrisisTextline.org for people dealing with depression. Text HOME to 741741