Have You Ever?

Thu, 07/31/2014 - 12:22 -- Lynnae


Have you ever been to where you didn’t even feel worthy to ask God for forgiveness?
Have you ever felt that everything you touch gets screwed up?
Have you ever felt like you were the cause of all your family’s problems?
Have you ever felt like screaming at the top of your lungs?
The stresses of home and school are taking a toll on me.
Have you ever felt that your dreams aren’t going to come true after all?
Have you ever felt like crying for days at a time?
I’m not suicidal, though, and I’m not on drugs.
I don’t drink. I don’t smoke. I don’t cuss.
But I have told some pretty big lies.
I used to pretend that I could be favored by God.
The reality that I’m not hit me hard.
It hurts to think about. When I do it makes me cry.
Because in these moments I believe that I will never be enough for anybody.
It may just be the devil trying to get in my head.
Well, it’s working.
It looks all good on the outside, but on the inside I’m broken.
Shattered into pieces. Some larger than others, but shattered none the less.
Being eaten alive by the secrets that I keep.
Afraid of being judged or looked at different.
Always a people pleaser, to an extent. Afraid to disappoint them.
But, then I turn around and disappoint God.
Letting these thoughts and feelings surface brings tears to my eyes.
There is a knot in my throat.
I keep thinking of all these things and if I were to die right now…I think my soul would be sent to Hell.
That scares me.
Fear and Sadness. The two hardest emotions for me to conquer.
I think they would be easier to deal with if I had someone that I could open my heart to and pour out my soul to.
Someone that won’t judge me, and won’t tell my mother about any of it.
Unless I ask them to.
Someone to just listen to and comfort me
They say give it to God, but sometimes I feel like God drop my stuff.
I can’t express this to anyone. When people come around, I always hide my true hurt and pain.
I cover it up with smiles and excuses.
Have you ever just felt alone?
Like even God himself doesn’t care about you.
That’s where I am in life right now.
It’s a scary place to be.
Please say a prayer for me.
Mine don’t seem to be getting through.


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