my whole life i’ve always been different than everyone else. i was always the fat kid the one that couldn’t eat anything. left out of activities. watching everyone else enjoy their food. all i could do is sit and watch. pretending i didn’t care. i never wanted special treatment- just a cookie or two.   leaving class at the same time, everyday, gets noticeable after a while when i finally tell people, the only reaction i get is pity or disgust i brush off the rude expressions and comments with a smile. no one really knows what to say to a girl who drinks gravy thickener to live with a non-existent disease, as far as they are concerned   cornstarch no one ever gives it a second thought. it controls mine. something so simple yet it causes me so much pain. it lingers with me whenever i go. invading my life in more ways than one there was no escape from it   at 12 i decided i didn’t need it anymore. i could do without. without it i wouldn’t be the “fat kid” anymore. i would be like everyone else normal. it was an unnecessary inconvenience and i was through. nobody needs cornstarch to live.   it started off with one time. then twice and then 3 times a black, never-ending, dark hole. i couldn’t stop. i was chained in hell and wasn’t planning on getting out. trying to survive with the bare minimum i didn’t care that one day i might go to sleep and never wake up. i didnt care about anything anymore. i just wanted to be skinny, like i never was i wanted to be normal   at 16 i sunk to rock bottom. no one was noticing i was getting sicker. 25 pounds lost with congratulations and words of encouragement, i knew i was getting there. it was the validation i was seeking. i couldn’t stop. their compliments fueled me like a wildfire. oblivious to my methods, they continued to feed my toxic thoughts   that summer forever changed my life i had multiple doctors appointments i didn’t need any help. i had it under control. i was healthy. i was doing just fine. in my weight bracket for the first time- it felt good.  everything was going according to plan until june hit. it hit me like a brick wall. i had been knocked out. caught. done. finished.   the doctor coming in with that look on his face. i knew he knew. my lab values were off. my meter with no readings. why check something when you already know what it’s gonna say?   with tears in my eyes i decided it was time. i lost control. i wasn’t healthy. it was time i needed help.   months of struggling. dreading every third hour. the 40 grams of cornstarch felt like 40 pounds of fat ingested wanting to throw it up, dumping it down the drain. avoiding it like the plague   at 17, i still have my days. i’m not perfect. nobody is.   i’m finally accepting that this is my life whether i like it or not- it’s mine a gift from God He made me and he doesn’t make mistakes.