Growing Up

Thu, 04/04/2019 - 13:42 -- ljc4343

I think I might have learned something recently

In trying to figure out who I am

I’ve only learned who I used to be

And that growing up is letting go of the things that you used to love

And the people that you used to be

When trying to discover which of my possessions sparked joy

I realized most sparked nostalgia

For the person that I used to be

I don’t know who I am, just who I used to be

I wonder if the girl who will replace this version of me

Will know who I was today

Because I am just the result of the girls I used to be

The sum of the actions of others that I can’t change

My life is dictated by people I know the best

But will never meet

In growing, some of me must be abandoned

To make room for the new love I will find

To find a new role to grow into

To remove the constraint that ties me to the girl I was

I see this in the changes around me

From the harry potter t-shirts donated

To make room for floral patterns and v-necks

And the stickers removed from my laptop

To show that I am no longer a child

Who can only express herself through the creations of others

Flawed as that may be

To the friends I no longer have

Because I see that they are still looking for the girl I left behind

And the person that I no longer am.

I can't tell if I'm glass, periodically put over an open flame and molded into something new

Or a boulder standing in a river of my sorrows, being worn down and changed over the eons until I am no longer recognized

I remember who I was

In fragments of memories attached to

The things I am throwing in the trash

Because I am not the girl they sparked joy for

Not anymore

I know who I was

And don’t know who she will be

But sometime soon there will be a girl who used to be me.

I am no longer a child

The child I was Was simple Happy if given an ice cream cone And a pat on the back The bounce in that child's step is no longer hereReplaced with what I hope is a confident strideThe twinkle in my eye has not extinguishedHowever, it is dimmerIt has been snuffed by an understanding I never wished to haveThat the world is heavy and despite it being on everyone shouldersThe weight has not lessened. Growing up isn't all badBut But it's heavyAnd it can be hard. 

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