i can feel it 

in a place in me there isn't a name for yet

somewhere between my heart and diaphragm.

sort of takes up this space that’s otherwise lightless.

something happens without me knowing

finish the canvas lie down 

suddenly its there


pearlescent entity enlarged in the depths of my insides

wherever you think she should, would be.

yeah, up to you,

just in a place where you can see it,

in some, the glow, she bleeds onto their skin 

when your eyes drink them in lights fly into your eyes

and sink into you

into the place where she resides. 


in the oil and acrylic

 i can see her.

my whole existence she’s been eluding me

absconding with my visions


but i grab it almost violently

wrangling with it

each stroke an attempt at containing it

stare at it 

the light flies 

maybe catch it.


your skin isn't one color.

shades remind me of the years

what i learned. 

oil takes forever to dry

and mistakes aren't mistakes

and i wish everything we did captured humanity like this

not easy but indescribable

food for eyes


paint on top of a painting but it will still be there

a secret you can only know

maybe one day you’ll mention it. in passing.


put on a song that speaks to your glow and open a fresh canvas.

the day gets lighter. the smell of old paint and setting chemicals, 

already you have paint on this shirt,

now your favorite.


too lazy to wash brushes, you keep moving through the landscape

and maybe at this point the girl who pushed you on the bus this morning pisses you off a little bit less.

there is no time to think of her as you try to remember what it’s like to be a child

to see things where no one else could

and blobs on the paper in crayola could be magic

where did that go?

it seems to have run away with the changing of your skin

a little raw sienna to bring you back to your origins

before your skin started breaking out in sophomore year

maybe a few freckles and you start to see yourself

and you wonder a bit at how colors one on top of another can come a person

and this person you created now exists and you are glowing a bit

because you saw her, and she sees you as you add the whites of her eyes

and she looks a little like the glow you’ve been chasing

you feel corny because you’re this angsty teenager

how will anyone know how much of what’s in you went into these small decisions

you hope that someone who has never found it easy to see beauty in themselves 

can see their freckle on their nose

or the glisten on their cheekbone

can find their glow


knowing that i can give something to someone 

i can speak to them rollerskating between time and space and energy

and show them themselves, give them a reason to know that their color

it took my breath away, i had to show everyone whose eyes would listen

their  mocha with scars of deep ebony from when you picked at your face

loving and caressing every piece of evidence that you lived and made your best mistakes…


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