i can feel it
in a place in me there isn't a name for yet
somewhere between my heart and diaphragm.
sort of takes up this space that’s otherwise lightless.
something happens without me knowing
finish the canvas lie down
suddenly its there
pearlescent entity enlarged in the depths of my insides
wherever you think she should, would be.
yeah, up to you,
just in a place where you can see it,
in some, the glow, she bleeds onto their skin
when your eyes drink them in lights fly into your eyes
and sink into you
into the place where she resides.
in the oil and acrylic
i can see her.
my whole existence she’s been eluding me
absconding with my visions
but i grab it almost violently
wrangling with it
each stroke an attempt at containing it
stare at it
the light flies
maybe catch it.
your skin isn't one color.
shades remind me of the years
what i learned.
oil takes forever to dry
and mistakes aren't mistakes
and i wish everything we did captured humanity like this
not easy but indescribable
food for eyes
paint on top of a painting but it will still be there
a secret you can only know
maybe one day you’ll mention it. in passing.
put on a song that speaks to your glow and open a fresh canvas.
the day gets lighter. the smell of old paint and setting chemicals,
already you have paint on this shirt,
now your favorite.
too lazy to wash brushes, you keep moving through the landscape
and maybe at this point the girl who pushed you on the bus this morning pisses you off a little bit less.
there is no time to think of her as you try to remember what it’s like to be a child
to see things where no one else could
and blobs on the paper in crayola could be magic
where did that go?
it seems to have run away with the changing of your skin
a little raw sienna to bring you back to your origins
before your skin started breaking out in sophomore year
maybe a few freckles and you start to see yourself
and you wonder a bit at how colors one on top of another can come a person
and this person you created now exists and you are glowing a bit
because you saw her, and she sees you as you add the whites of her eyes
and she looks a little like the glow you’ve been chasing
you feel corny because you’re this angsty teenager
how will anyone know how much of what’s in you went into these small decisions
you hope that someone who has never found it easy to see beauty in themselves
can see their freckle on their nose
or the glisten on their cheekbone
can find their glow
knowing that i can give something to someone
i can speak to them rollerskating between time and space and energy
and show them themselves, give them a reason to know that their color
it took my breath away, i had to show everyone whose eyes would listen
their mocha with scars of deep ebony from when you picked at your face
loving and caressing every piece of evidence that you lived and made your best mistakes…