Gas Station
To the man at the 2nd gas pump next to mine who told me to smile because i’m too pretty not to be I say fuck you.
My smile does not invite you into me
Do not ask me to smile, my smile will not invite you to come closer
My mouth be that black panther so my answer to you asking me to smile is fuck you
You say i’m “too pretty” not to be happy… as if my happiness depended on the spreading of lips to fulfil your wishes
No.
I will not smile for you.
The smile that you seek of holds the key to myself you wish to find
I threw that bitch away
You will not control me
This black woman’s smile is not her submission to you….
I am the garden of eden and everything in it---- I will not bow to you.
I am every woman’s words silenced by the grip of man's’ tongue
Man’s tongue can re enter his mouth
And burn
Do not stare at me
My body does not curve like it does in your imagination
No I will not do a spin for you
Do not stare at me ….
I ain’t medusa I will turn you into ash
Have you ever asked a flower to smile?...
No. I am every flower from the root to the petal do not bother me
I am every part black, full black, non black woman
I am woman
No.. you can’t pump my gas
As if that were a reason for you to recieve my name and number in return I am noname
And as you come closer I look to see the gun in your waist you purposely didn’t hide well and wonder how many bullets would have to be shot into the air for me to say yes…. Or shot into me once I said no sometimes, I wonder if no really means no I don’t want to talk to you or no I don’t want to live but according to Mary Spears and Maren Sanchez’ stories it is a death wish
So when you ask to pump my gas….
I wonder if my car could run on the mixture between faith and fear tucked in the back of my minds fingers
I wonder if a bullets body is enough to destroy mine
I wonder if you’ve ever asked a man to smile….
No.
So when you ask me to smile, my lips play tug of war as my mind is indecisive on whether to smile or open my mouth to tell you fuck off one last time.
And as a woman… my father always told me to bury myself within a man’s ego
Said it was safer to freeze than run because if you don't move maybe he'll go away… or if you give him what he wants maybe he’ll go away. I open my lips and bring them up until they lock.
I am every part black, full black, non black woman, so becoming man’s prey was destined from the start. I never believed in fate but I always believed in freedom.
So when I tell you that this black woman’s smile is not her submission to you I meant that.
To the man at the 2nd gas pump next to mine, bullets were never a threat to my humanity because in the end, this black woman’s soul smile to the heavens and forever fly free.