I think of the future. Every hope I have ever had, every dream i have thought I try to remember the days when I knew what I wanted, the days when giving up was an unfathomable thought.

But now I am here, 

  I am under these chains of voices. Buried beneath the brutal words, the misconceptions, the misfired insults, and the corrupted thoughts. I try to breathe but with every breath I feel more suffocated, it feels like the room is closing in on me, it feels like hope is pointless, like trying Isn't worth it. People see the outer me, they see me smile, laugh, they see me fall in love, but I wake up every day feeling like absolute shit and that's just become my life. It's not that I don't want to be happy, it's that no matter what I do I just can't seem to get there. I've done therapy and hospital trips, meditation, but no matter what I do, the happiness never lasts. I love someone and i feel awful for her because she has to love someone like me, someone who she can't make happy. I fear that she may  run when she knows who I truly am. Someone who sometimes can't ever pull herself out of bed to go to school, someone who breaks down over the smallest of things, someone who can't think clearly about the future or about what I want in life. I have things that I want, but I don't believe that I will ever get there, I've lost a lot of hope. I want to get married and I want to have children but I don't believe that someone will ever love me enough to stay with me forever. She may love me now but love changes all the time, tomorrow she could fall out of love, it just happens sometimes. 

I wonder,  Will she be there when the heart monitor beeps and goes flat line? Will she be one of the people who will cry, and miss me, or will she be with the other people who will laugh and say o "I knew she wouldn't make it"