This leaves a sour taste in my mouth, causes my eyes to welt, and plummets my stomach into a free-fall. I tried everything I could but it wasn’t enough.
My heart beats like a drum summoning the casket and I wait for it to lower to the ground. There was nothing I could of done.
The beats get heavier, getting closer to what I have to accept but I choke on the words, thinking that this pain is better kept.
“Please, just hold on a little longer. See that I tried, see that this can be fixed. Everything will be okay.”
But I don’t listen to my mind..
I really tried and my mind races frantically to see the error, tapping away the formulas to find some mistake I’ve done. Yet, there’s nothing that can be done. I’ve lost. I wasn’t good enough and I’ve lost.
Now, as the casket lowers, I let the water escape my welts and I let the words escape the pits of my stomach, burning my esophagus as if they still cling on to stay hidden.
I was wrong to think this was different; that life doesn’t just go on.
But it does, no matter how much I dig my nails into the ground or curl my toes into the dirt.
Life goes on.
My heart beat goes back to a resting state and I wonder if I’ll ever feel alive again.