Five Months


Sometimes he gives me these looks and it’s like, they’re only for me, and when he smiles at me it’s like I’m the only girl he’s ever fallen for.
I know that sounds cliche, but I understand now.
I like the way he smiles at me and how his eyes crinkle up and the way he tickles me and his general dorkiness and his inner romantic.
I like the way I can be myself around him and how he jokes around with me and how he can take a joke and the way he notices little things about me.
I like that he respects my boundaries and that he’s okay with taking it slow and the way he smiles at me while saying “I’m so lucky to have you”.
I like that he’s always up for adventures and that he’s a klutz and the way it feels when his arms are around me and the way he puts his hands over my eyes during scandalous parts during movies.
I like the warmth of his hand in mine and the way he kisses my forehead and his stubbornness and when he hugs me tight after he’s done something he doesn’t think I’ll approve of.
I like that he’ll watch my shows with me, even ones he doesn’t keep up with, and that he’ll ask questions about it to try and understand (and also to get on my nerves). 
Now when I close my eyes it’s just flashbacks to the first time we hung out together and he was so nervous and to the first time he put his arm around me and to the first time we kissed out in my front yard on that cold December night.
Flashbacks to him being the sweetest boy I’ve ever been with and to him making me laugh and to Valentine’s day and to a few days later finally becoming an official couple and to him meeting my family and me meeting his and to when I had a panic attack and he just held me and helped me with his fingers laced through mine, giving me reassurance.
Now all I can think of is us sitting in my room, arms around each other, talking about how it wasn’t working the way we thought and my voice cracking as we talked and my so small whisper of “are we breaking up?” and him not trying to fight for me and his sad voice saying “I’m sorry I couldn’t be what you needed” and us just holding each other.
All I can picture is the look on his face when he left and the way I broke down as soon as the door closed and how I check my phone for texts that aren’t there and how I cry when I listen to songs that remind me of him which is basically my whole music library because he had such great taste in music.
All I can feel is some deep crushing in my chest like someone has their hand inside me and is squeezing my heart as hard as they can and it hurts so badly. 
Five months of constant communication to radio silence in the blink of an eye.




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