For a second I understood 

how deep the knife can reach

as it cuts away

more and more of what protects the inside

I understood the need or fascination

of moving an inch to the right

slicing into the artery

longing to bleed out the hurt.

 

For a second I understood

how easy it was to reach for the scotch or vodka

to have a never ending supply 

just flowing down your throat

until your near the point of unconsciousness

vomit spilling out your mouth

your mind clouded to the point

where you can't hold on to one thought

at least then you don't have to worry

at least then you won't have to remember.

 

For a second I understood

how you could reach for one pill

and end up swallowing twenty 

hoping it would only take one more

to make it all go away

because you knew death had to be easier

then wondering if anyone ever noticed 

the pain behind your eyes

noticed that it was getting physically harder to breath

that you were drowning

 and noone was willing to jump in and save you

so why continue to fight 

it would all be over anyway in a second.

 

In another second I understood

that these thoughts wouldn't easily go away

But I also understood 

I had something to fight for

my family 

my future husband

I had to fight for what was left of me

and build from that.