love is such an elusive concept

how we float through life from one meaningful encounter to the next, all the while convincing ourselves that there was no meaning in them after all

that the next one will be THE ONE

that the one we are with can be perfect IF ONLY

what in our right minds is it that draws us to the people that are the absolute worst for us?

the ones who not only don't make us feel special but use our flaws and weaknesses against us for their own gain?

why am i attracted to men that are so manipulatively charming yet deep down such arrogant assholes?

who in my childhood inflicted this lifetime of tragedy on me?

what man am I searching for in resemblance of my father, the man who I once believed to be the wisest most patient man id ever known?

the man whom I barely know, whose phone calls are so far-between that I hardly recognize his voice anymore, who's house is so completely transformed from the day I was sent away to my program because he couldn't deal with me anymore, that every time I step foot in it I feel like a stranger?

this man who I can count the number of times he's raised his voice and his hand at me in my life?

WHO am I searching for but the opposite of the man I once loved to call my dad, the man who doesn't even recognize my existence, who doesn't give a second thought to my life?

the truth is, I'd rather be with someone who gives me negative attention than someone who gives me none at all

 

my sisters father has known me since the day I was born

he's also been a raging alcoholic that long too

mom swears he's a dumb ass, too stoned and stupid to raise his own daughter

i pity her, my sister, for believing in her hatred

she has no idea what true love is because we were taught that love is a lie and a broken heart is a woman's strength

I am sad for my sister because now she looks for love in all the wrong places, but not because her dad doesn't call her every other day...because he does

not because he didn't love her enough...because he did

not because he didn't make an effort to be part of her life...because he still does

I feel sorry for my sister because she truly believes that controlling possessiveness is the trait of love, a feat only our mother could've accomplished with pure bittered scorn and no remorse

a lack of empathy the gods of hell would bow down to

 

my sister envies me because of my "perfect" father: gentle, kind, patient, caring, intelligent, all the characteristics her father failed to have

I no longer feel sorry for my sister despite the fact that she is now jealous that her father calls me every other day, since she doesn't answer his phone calls anymore and I do

after an eight hour drive to watch her high school graduation she saw him once in four days

meanwhile I met him at a local bar near his hotel and he had the banjo player sing our song just for me

while my sister cried herself to sleep after her possessive and emotionally unstable boyfriend once again managed to ruin one of the most important nights of her life, wishing she just had her daddy

some people don't realize what they have, even after it's gone

but sometimes

those people don't deserve them anyway