To the Family that Lived Inside my Head

Mother,

I knew it.

I knew you were the one to tell me

I wasn’t good enough.

It was not my teacher from fourth grade or

The mysterious boy I fell in love with when I was sixteen.

It was you.

It was you that walked out of my life when I’d just started to love you,

You who never taught us to fight back when our father swung,

We just knew enough to step out of his way;

You, who stole my courage before I had a chance to find it and

Mother,

I forgive you.

 

Father,

I never got the chance to tell you,

I love you.

I never got the chance to tell you that it wasn’t mother that widened the space in your heart when she left,

It was me, and

I never got the chance to remind you that

You could never find our warmth inside you

It didn’t matter how many glasses of whiskey you drank

Father,

I’m sorry.

 

Sister, do not be enraged when I tell you

That you were a great mentor, but it is not a misspelling for mother, and

Torn heartstrings cannot be mended as easily as

The kneeholes in my pants you were kind enough to sew when I fell;

Sister,

I never thanked you.

Every fight, every conversation that just ended in screaming

Every argument that ended with more scars than apologies

Every time I watched your face glow slightly pink

When I told you I hated you.

Sister,

I never hated you.

 

To the family that lived inside my head,

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry I ended you,

I’m sorry I crushed you.

Mother,

I still can’t believe the rope I constructed for you in your grimy hotel room

Silently slipped around your neck

And where my gunshot wounded you

Was just two inches too far

From your blackened heart.

Father,

I am ashamed to realize that your poison actually destroyed you,

But I’ve learned drain cleaner does not alter the taste of Jäger

And how watching you drown in your addiction

Is fascinating.

Sister,

It wasn’t fair.

But you never remembered the moments when

You left me alone with

a medicine cabinet full of moments when

I could’ve ended it all.

When I locked you in our bathroom, with the shattered mirror-

It was a matter of time before you replicated my steps of

Contemplating whether it was worth it.

Sister,

I died inside months before you did.

 

To the family that lived inside my head,

I’m sorry; I loved you, but-

I could not live with you anymore.

 

It was either me, or you. 

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