Familiar Places 

 

Here I am, familiar room 

Times have changed, but not the view 

Seven years prior, laying in this same bed 

Thoughts of doom consume my head 

I ruined it all, but was there a reason? 

I wish I had an answer to my treasons 

Answered I did, 

For the crimes I committed 

I thought I learned my lesson, doing that time 

Only to find 

Addiction came back 

Rearing its’ ugly head, holding a sack 

So many times, thought I had it kicked and dead 

Even proclaiming how easy it was to fend 

Off the cravings, even when thrown in my face 

Even when tough times, forced me to brace 

The impact still, I handled it well 

But each impact, still rung the bell 

Inside my head, voices of anguish 

Thoughts that used to be, easily vanquished 

But each time, we fight and fight 

Contrite forced on me for unknown slights 

This part I’m sure, feel free to disagree 

First four years lay mostly on you, not on me 

Every doubt within my head 

Stirred each time your phone went dead 

Or you didn’t answer at 4 a.m. 

What’s a man to think? 

What is going through his head? 

Fulfilling her desire for attention?  

Who knows?  

Never merited mention 

I tried to forgive, you never gave me reassurance 

A month later, another reoccurrence 

But this year, you had gotten so much better 

To give you cause for us to sever 

That I did, only the outcome wasn’t equal 

Did it again, are people calling it a sequel? 

Giving me chances to tell you the truth 

Still not ready to scream it from the roof 

The horrors that long preceded us meeting 

Formed this dark presence inside  

All love felt now fleeting 

There comes a time when you finally heed the word 

Of smarter men before you came 

Teaching the easy path for us 

All the same 

It’s simple, they said 

Follow these words, you’ll go happy to bed 

Be honest with the one’s you love 

Second chances, rarely given to poor schlubs 

This is me, so sad to see 

Repeating ancient history 

Never learning the significance of honesty 

Don’t know how it happened so fast 

Times are new, mind stuck in the past 

I feel the same, I did back then 

Always difficult to moved passed past 

Not a thing learned in seven years' time 

After working so hard to climb 

That steep mountain, that time ago 

Only to fall all the way back 

Back down below 

Fall and fall, slipping faster 

Demons call my name, hearing their chatter 

Doesn’t matter how hard I fight 

Troubled past rises inside me with all its’ might 

Doing my best to not fill with fright 

I’m afraid, this is a fight that I’ve lost 

Only time will tell, how much it cost 

Everything inside tells me 

I’m lost, this is the end 

Depravity builds, bubbling up fast 

Before I can put on the cap 

 

Weight of thought deepens the cavern 

Mind as dark as that old tavern 

When we locked eyes so long ago 

A blessing we thought, to meet like this 

All started with that first kiss 

Beside your car is where our lips first met 

So nervous, I’m lucky I didn’t miss 

This great night so long ago 

Deeply saddened, Afraid to let go 

Before it all came to a tumultuous end 

Happy times, they ensued 

What a few months of bliss 

Ready to explore new things together 

We boozed and boozed, in good and harsh weather 

Hurricanes came, and so we boozed 

Watched the world come unglued 

An addict shouldn’t consume drugs 

As much he did food 

Ask old Bill W. and he will tell ya 

Don’t believe anything they sell ya 

Alcohol is a drug that consumes lives and drinks to its’ victims 

Alcohol works in the mind all the same 

As PCP, crack, meth, smack, and cocaine 

No difference at all, far as the brains is concerned 

Matter of legality, taxable concerns 

The stigma created by those who bear judgement 

Please save me yours 

These are the facts 

You’re an active user 

You wear it as a badge 

I just relapsed 

Out I am, on my ass 

If fair this seems 

Something’s the matter 

Heresy screaming "Hypocricy!” 

Judged by a building of addicts 

Because my addiction, isn’t so casual 

Sorry, I take shame 

In my weakness, in my faults 

I like to keep it all 

In the vault 

Not that I’m trying to assign alcohol all the blame 

Little lies, rooted they became 

Which ones bore fruit, we’ll never know 

Whether you or I were at fault 

Who lied first does not matter 

You got stronger over the years, and I began to shatter 

The process slow, the person weak 

It did not happen in a week 

The patterns, developed over time 

Over time you noticed my emotions blind 

Reaching out, for someone to grab 

Hand left empty 

Heart, a hollow slab 

I no longer felt the hummingbird’s hymn 

Helping contribute to my death from within 

Then abandoning, unforgivingly 

Always poking at every sin 

But to find where the blame really lies 

I only need to stare in the mirror, look at the eyes 

I see a face, that can’t stand its own sight 

Growing again, to hate everything that’s right 

Wish for once; I’d catch myself before falling 

Unfortunately, doom started sprawling 

The source, a man seen crawling 

Depression and self-loathing 

The curtain, it is calling 

Take your encore 

I confessed to you, my deepest secrets 

But not in time, too late to acquit 

Finally, I’m honest with my girl 

Wish I made that decision 

Before my life began to swirl 

Round and round, and down it goes 

Things would have been different 

Had I been honest from the get-go 

Sounds so easy now, after ruining it all 

The police, requiring a call 

To curtail this “psycho,” before he “blows” 

 The day never forgotten, love has a crazy way of showing 

The weight of it all, the guilt, and the dread 

Water rises faster 

Approaching my head 

Not a moment passes, since that fateful night 

Each text’s been received 

No reply in sight 

All this reveals a lack of trust 

Fixing that problem, should’ve been a must 

This never would’ve happened 

We both deserve the blame 

Certainly, a cause of all those strenuous days 

Wish I knew then, what I know now 

Revealing those secrets would lift that cow 

Off my chest, finally able to breathe 

No longer must I live my life so repetitiously 

Fear would always eat my gut 

Stressed all the time, began to bring home my strife 

My poor wife, at least she should have been 

Only I was too dumb to know back then 

A lonely idiot I have become 

Pissing away everything, all the work I had done 

Something had clung on so tight 

Stowed deep inside 

How was I to fight? 

 When it clawed to the surface 

Riding fires from within 

Coming up from the furnace 

How long had this fire been churning 

Sober mind, always stop the gears from turning 

The Devil kept at bay, but he was yearning 

One small win at a time 

Until long, he was the one speaking the rhymes 

Not words so soft and loving in nature 

Rather, words so harsh 

Turning victims into vapor 

Something clearly changed inside 

Happiness no longer existed 

Blame was dealt 

This was a pain of course you felt 

You were the root cause of all my doom and gloom 

There is some truth to this 

But this past year, all you wanted was a kiss 

A reminder, you were genuinely loved 

This stubborn man, barely able to give you a hug 

Will regret each moment that passes 

Time ticks, the total amasses 

Hope somewhere inside, you left room to forgive 

Otherwise, I, don’t know how I will live 

I know I blew it; we cannot share a kiss 

This bliss took for granted 

Surely, I will miss 

Outside the door, but the code isn’t working 

Changed by you, to keep me from “lurking" 

Wanting my laptop, the crime that I committed 

The reason for my shame 

Lest I try harder than I used to 

All I can do is write these 100 odes to you 

I hope they reach you well 

So sorry for what I befell 

I’ve done it before 

I’ll never do it again 

Heart shrunken, each time by 10 

Exponential decrease I cannot withstand 

Already working with emotions bland 

I will try from this point forward 

Learning before destroying 

I promise, the insults are over 

All I want is to explore your mind to the highest order 

To talk to you as a friend 

I have no one else to spill this blend 

Twisted thoughts and sickened past 

But also, high hopes, though they briefly last 

Even though my pessimism grows 

Mostly directed at my foes 

Beneath my foes and pessimism 

Little pockets of hope, fighting to win 

A way to the surface, it tries to fight 

Showing the way towards the white light 

If I could aid in its ascension 

Surely, could use the release of tension 

Honesty amongst myself 

Will hopefully put the demons on the shelf 

Never to rise again I hope 

This is my last chance to not have to tie that rope........