The first time I realized I loved you

You were sitting in front of the TV,

It was glowing around you like you were

Something holy

While you sang “Collide” by Howie Day

And even though we both know you can’t sing

I swear you were ethereal then

 

The second time I realized I loved you

It was the summer of 2014

That first night we discovered how close

Our bodies could get and if I try I can still

Feel the heat from our fevered skin

And the anxious excitement in my chest

As if you are still exploring me

Like a new city and you can’t wait to find

Your favorite spots to make your own

 

I was reminded of that love when we woke

In the morning to the both of us

Puking our guts out on the tiles of my bathroom floor

Holding each others hair, you felt so bad

Because it was my birthday and now

Our plans were ruined and in the caverns of my heart

I thought maybe this was God punishing me

For loving you

 

Or maybe he was warning me because my father

Was an addict and my mother swears I’m hooked on you

And maybe I am- because no high has ever sent me soaring

Like the feeling of your hands on me and the smell

Of Japanese Cherry Blossom

Or the way you say my name like it’s something delicate

And rare but most importantly precious because

My name doesn’t belong to me anymore but to your mouth

And I kept falling in love with you

 

I fell in love with you when your clothes

Didn’t quite go together and when you

Sang so off key but so frequently as if

Every single song was competing to

Pass through your lips

 

I fell in love with you when you always

Made sure that you had my favorite foods at your house

My stomach medications in your purse

And my hand in your hand

 

I fell in love with the way you cared for your brother

The way you drove like an actual maniac

The way you held me because

It was like being enveloped in every

“I love you” that has ever been uttered in all the world

 

I fell in love with your freckles-especially

That one right under your eye-you know the one I’m talking about

And your hips and how you sway them when you walk

And your torn up converse that used to be your mother's

And how you crinkled your face when you sneezed and in your sleep

I fell in love with every inch and every thing that ever made you insecure

 

I fell in love with how you’re always half an hour early

Because you get a little nervous

And how you write out every step to every math problem

Even if you know the answer just by looking at it

You are always so thorough

In how you completely covered your bed frame in stickers

And completely covered me with your body while we slept

 

I fell in love with the way you thought I was brave

Because I always felt so scared

I fell in love with the way you loved me

You loved me so well

 

But we fell out of love

Because we didn’t have to work at love

And that made you think

We didn’t have to work at a relationship

Which made me think you didn’t want me enough

To work for me

But you wanted to hold me- you just couldn’t say it

And I would have held you for a lifetime

But I was crumpling to pieces

And we fell out of love

 

And in all those 3 years I never would have thought

We would fall out of love

 

Someday, perhaps we will meet again

At the right place and time

To be right for each other

Because I was fourteen when I first fell in love with you

But at 18 I could easily do it again

And for forever I would