A Fallen State
What do I want?
Why should I try?
Maybe I should just give up and die.
What is a need?
And a desire, persay?
But I couldn’t tell you.
I’d have to say “Nay.”
I think what I want
More than anything else
Is to be loved again
By the one I have lost
Maybe my tries
Can get me somewhere.
Maybe once more someday
My love she’ll share.
I want to give up.
I just can’t succeed
I have no control
Except how much I bleed.
My needs, they are few
And I don’t understand
How my desire for love
HER love is not a need.
I can’t live without her.
But she can’t live with me.
I can’t stand myself
And neither can she.
Why do I cry
So awfully and so much?
WHY CAN’T I DIE?
I don’t give a fuck
I used to, I know.
I should, I know
But still, all I feel
Is my own sorrow
My loss of joy
And laughter and song
All started because
I did something wrong
I kept on doing it
Again, and again
And now all I feel
Is this painful pain
Why did I do that?
I think I know
The boy that I was
Was a fucking ho
I just wanted sex
Or something like that
But now I am vexed
Because I don’t.
What can I hope for
From another try?
With someone different
I’m not going to lie
I would probably just
Mess up all over
I’m trying to adjust
To life without a lover
I can’t ever love someone
At least not like that.
I can’t get married
I can’t have a cat
How do I feel
These feelings right now?
I cry every time
I think of how
No person deserves
Whether woman or man
To deal with my nerves
And my life in this can
I can’t feel attachment
To any but one
But now that I’m like this
She’s forever gone.
Gone without me
Never coming back
She’s able to move on.
But I’m in the past
I try to move forward
Make some headway
But God can’t help me
At least not this way
I can’t change my thoughts
I don’t know why
I’ve tried so many times
Please just let me die
I just can’t do this
Why am I me?
God put me here
But for what? I can’t see.
I can’t even see
The words that I write
Because every night
I cry as I type
How did I get
To this terrible state?
Why can’t I start over
With fresh clean black slate?
No one forgets
And I can’t forgive
Not even myself
I don’t need to live
But what if I do?
What if I’m wrong?
Why can’t I just man up
And be more strong?
Other people
Just might need me.
But if that’s so
Why can’t I see?
I’ve been wrong before
That’s nothing new
I don’t know why
I feel so freaking blue
I try to be tough
For courage, is good.
But my confidence wavers
Whenever I would
End it all please
I want to be done
I talk and I write
But I haven’t won
Why is it so long?
Why is hell so deep?
Why in the world
Are these mountains so steep?
Taller than Everest
Oh, taller by far.
The barometric pressure here
Is more like 0 bars.
No one can hear me
Screaming and dying
So why keep on going?
Why keep on trying?
I need to stop
I complain way too much
My whining is pointless
It doesn’t do much
I need someone now
Someone right here
But nobody’s coming
Nobody, it’s clear
I could run away
I could leave it all.
But that doesn’t end it
And makes others fall
Into this hole
This terrible place
I’m so freaking cold
Just look at my face
Please just stop
My life is o’er
WHY CAN’T IT ALL STOP
I know what’s in store
I’ll follow this pattern
For all of my life
These seasons in turn
Joy, sorrow, strife.
Nobody’s listening
I wish someone cared
My tears are glistening
And my life, it is tared.
Ended and over
Through and through
I have no lover
And never will, it’s true.
I want to try harder
Really I do
But sometimes I can’t
See past you.
I know there’s more
But God, what else
You’re all I’ve wanted
And nobody else.
I know you don’t hate me.
Of that I’m sure
But I know you can’t love me
As you did before
I ruined it all
I hurt you so much.
The fault is all mine
But at you, you lay the touch
The blame, the guilt
The crime and shame
These all are mine
This is my fame
A destroyer
A heartless man
A murderer
A loser, I am.
WHY
HOW
WHO AM I
NOW?
WHAT CAN I DO
TO REGAIN YOUR LOVE?
The answer is simple.
There is nothing
Nothing at all
Nothing to save me from my awful fall.
I’m lost
Confused
And lonely as hell
I WANT OUT
I’M GOING
I’m sorry. I’m falling. I FELL.
I’M HERE
For now
Until I am dead.