Ever wonder what it's like to be trans?

He is hiding in her skin

Always trying to keep his head above the tide

Living inside her phantom form

The dysphoria a tidal wave washing over his head

Like red hot lava gushing out of a volcano ready to erupt

Abruptly throwing him into difficult decisions

Is it worth it to live

In this skin

Can’t quite begin

To fit in with the image in his head

Wishing he were dead

He’s hiding within her gasping pleading

Dying just trying to let himself free

Every attempt more futile than the last

One last gasp of sweet acceptance before the abyss of self-hatred swallows his feminine body whole.

The very essence of his soul stolen away by the words of those around him

Pounding doubt and loathing into his bruised and bleeding form

No hope left that he will break free like the caterpillar out of the chrysalis

The transformation to keep him from death

Every breath straining against the ever increasing movement of his chest

He’s trying his goddamn best and yet his hopes like glass dropped 100 stories high

Tumbling down with the curves of his oh so feminine voice

He has no choice but to surrender to the crashing impact of reality

No one sees him in validity

He is certain that he is alone

Every bone in his body aches with the guilt of being alive

Others thrive as he winces at their ignorance

Their words like bloody fingerprints etched across his skin

Their grins digging deeper into him when the wrong name is uttered from their lips

The tips of their fingers clawing into his skin

His tear soaked face

Sitting in the smallest space of the bathroom he can

Can’t even remember how to stand

Looking down at his shaking hands

No one understands that he can’t get in the shower some days

In the haze of dysphoria he can’t fight himself anymore

Everyone calls him she

Why can’t they see who he is inside

He never would’ve chosen to hide in her curves and feminine features

Even teachers mess up in class

Right when he thought he might pass as male

All hail the power of misgendering

The confused glares of students in class

Not knowing how to ask… uh are you a girl or a boy

He’s tired of being treated like a puzzle for other people to figure out

He’s not your next piece of gossip

Hips swaying, mind racing, no saying how he really feels

Kneels down at the sound of his old name

Drive him insane don’t give him this pain.

What do you have to gain

Refrain from calling him she

He pleads wishing he would never have had to be a girl

He wants to rip out every part of himself that used to be she

Scream in the faces of those who refuse to believe him “that’s not me”

God can’t you see

I’m alone in this battle fighting against myself

Selfish I know to ask you to call me Jamey

But it seems so silly when to you it’s just a name but to me it could be the reason I don’t die tonight

I’m loosing this fight  

I am hiding in the skin of she

Waiting to be set free

This poem is about: 
Me

Comments

Blake068

This is wonderful and really hit home with me. Thank you for sharing this poem.

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