Began so long ago,

Boxing was the passion,

Fuelled the desire, at 15 years of age,

Non stop training, to be the best.

 

Running, sparring, padwork,

Part of the regime,

Training often, 

Training regularly.

 

Days often missed,

Just like that,

No explaining,

Couldn't get that time back.

 

Clock ticked by crazily,

Before you know I'm 23,

Relationships abound, non stop then,

As soon as they started, just fled. 

 

Not sitting still during this time,

Major problems within mind,

Nights out, laughs with the lads,

Totally spent, full of misery.

 

Close to death during this time,

Such a young man, 

Don't finish your life,

All will be fine.

 

Mind adrift non stop,

Trying to work out,

Whilst,

Trying not to rot.

 

Another relationship for me,

Started out so promising,  Abject misery,

Close to the edge,

Really losing the will to live.

 

Duirng this time, a man for all to see,

Large powerful build,

No-one messes with me,

King of the city, some people said.

 

Really not true, I'd rather be dead.

Wandering alone, isolated,

Brave face, can somone help me?

I dare not declare.

 

Careers, Business, Progression out there,

World moving forward,

Face pace, technology, internet,

Still feeling hollow in there.

 

Training again, part of ones life,

Intellectual enjoyment,

Emotionally exhausting,

Regular affair.

 

Work & Training was the score,

To other's out there, this was the norm,

Inside no aligment, no satisfaction for me,

Thinking about ending it all, frequently.

 

Didn't think this was wrong,

Grown up with mental illness, 

Chaos was the norm,

Everything hidden, constantly.

 

Fighting the battle, 

All alone, 

Internally,

No-one must know this part of me.

 

Huge price to pay,

Professionally,

&

Personally.

 

4 decades and more have passed me now,

No closer to a solution,

No way,

No how.

 

Frustration abound,

Non-stop,

Working tirelessly,

Get this fuckin craziness away from me. 

 

Writing became a sanctuary,

Getting me away from this insanity,

Regular, Really non stop,

Spewing plenty of content out. 

 

Looking at my life,

Distant pew,

Can see oh so clearly, 

What its done to you.

 

Took you away,

Fringes of despair,

Lost & Hurting,

Stayed too long, there.

 

Distracted have been,

All these years,

Trying to make amends,

Attempting to steer.

 

Drag the hurt away,

Off my chest,

Out my mind, 

All to see.

 

Finding peace, sporadically,

Not out there,

Sometimes within me,

Occassionally.

 

This is good, 

This is whole,

Allowing new feelings,

Into the fold.

 

Freedom and Peace,

Important right now,

Fast cars, women, and property,

Forget that, somehow matey.

 

Running away,

Tainted soul,

Lessons learnt, Understand the damage,

Time to move on, new goals.

 

Feel a little lost,

Total transparency,

Starting again,

Very scary.

 

Came to know,

Pain so well,

Close friend of mine,

It feels odd, not being able to tell.

 

The fight,

Almost won,

Through the storm,

Am nearly done.

 

Tired I feel,

Regularly,

No work out,

Ever done this to me. 

 

Can start again,

Wish I could,

Make most of life now,

Distractions are over, its all good.