Depression, a version of such.

Tue, 07/23/2013 - 16:30 -- Rat2rrj

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Try, you hear.  Because honestly, no matter how you were before this crept upon you, now ‘you’ is all you can think of.  Try, because that’s the best way to combat, because that’s what you should do! You know this, of course you do.  You know much, no matter what that knowledge consists of, be it rules, facts, or thoughts.  Yet, what is that thing others call motivation? You can never seen to find it.  You look, on occasion, but even that effort hurts after a while.  Sometimes, your body may make your mind darker, cloud it with soluble and insoluble taints.  The dripping of dull oil into murky water.  You look at others, at how they seem to handle things.  Sometimes, you copy a few of their methods.  Most of these don’t work and you scrap them. Other ways work for you, and you use them until they feel second nature.  Those methods become a second nature, the thing in the mirror you see yet do not see.  You sometimes imagine it, do you speak with it? Some outside sources work to ease the pain, others make you feel worse.  You look at those whom belong to your ‘friend’ category, or your ‘family’ category. Sometimes, you don’t understand why you bother with them. Other times, you want to break in their hold, a hold that hopefully will not flee with the sunlight or moonlight.  There are those other intangible things again, hopes.  Why do they pester you? Why do the big ones leave, while the small ones that stay seem like they do nothing? The ache within you never leaves, never stops hurting, gnawing at what you might think is a heart or a soul until you no longer want to tread the thin line that could or could not protect you.  You would give so much up to make that pain stop, the chewing inside.  There is no more ‘sorry’, no more anything other than bursts of emotion that cloud your muddled head further.  You know other people have it worse, so much worse.  You feel them, see them, hear them, smell them, touch them, taste them.  But that does not push your pain to the side! You feel still, even under these coats of grey paint! Under blue and black and red and sandy yellow! You are still somewhere here, wherever here is! You give parts of yourself away…  And for what end?

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