You Will Never Break Me.
I knew I was playing the game
I signed up for it the moment you texted me.
I didn't have to send a message or press the call button.
I called you, and the universe answered.
And here we go again.
A game of cat and mouse.
Except this time I thought I would win .
I told myself I was the cat.
The rule maker.
The master of ceremonies .
But I was losing.
Losing myself in my own conquest
Like a hunter hangs all her kills
I wanted to finish what I started last summer.
The thirst and desire to have you as a my brand.
The others fell into this trap, but you refused to.
And I thought it meant something
Perhaps you were different and special.
You were not a coward and I thought your challenges were for the best.
I thought your calls meant you cared for me.
I thought the hour conversations and singing meant you wanted me.
But for what price?
I could feel the anxiety creep back in.
A ghost I set free a long time ago.
But the pain, the loneliness, the desire for a perfect partner was starting to overwhelm me.
I pushed myself into running away.
I began to long for the calls, as if they were nicotine in my system.
Who would have thought that you were worse than nicotine.
And the price I paid were the insults.
Subtle at first, baby stings that you brush aside because you don't want the abuse to be true.
And I thought I could defend myself more this time.
I was ready to defeat you
I was ready for you to realize
this is not how you treat a woman.
But they came harder
And your mansplaining, interruptions, crude jokes, and belittlement
Started to make me sick
You are a virus.
You told me I was full of that.
And I can accept ignorance on certain issues,
my own lack of knowledge on topics
I am trying to understand,
Just like everyone else.
Except it was the way you said it.
As if you just tasted the worst thing on the planet.
I could see the disgust on your face.
The contortions of your features
And I felt truly alone for the first time .
I wanted to yell at you.
Tell you I hated you
How you were the biggest disappointment of my life.
How glad I was to be leaving .
How I cursed the day you were born.
But all I could say was "can I go to sleep now?"
Did you know I saw someone at the store and I thought it was you.
I ran after a man who did not deserve my time.
And what did I expect to say ?
Please treat me better,
be good to me
I honestly do not think I can do any better than you?
There is hate,
there is pain,
there is disappointment,
there is the thirst for revenge.
But we are at a social standoff.
Two phones on the bedside table and I long
for a call just so I can send it to voicemail.
Who will shoot their gun first?
This time I don't intend on shooting,or losing.
This time I put my gun away.
This time I acknowledge the consequences,pack them, and walk the opposite direction.
Will you walk? Or shoot?