Dear Future,

We have been having disagreements for years now, but I swear you have become more of a pain with each passing hope, dream, or accomplishment. Promises, promises, promises. Why won’t you ever just accept them?

You hide behind a shroud of Anxiety so cowardly and empty. You refuses to show your hand, you refuse to pop head and promise me anything. Why can’t you promise me anything?

Everyone smiles through lying fangs and says that you shine bright for me, but I can’t see you. And they can’t see you. And no one can ever see you. Still we all feel the need to imagine that you are bright. I want you to be bright. But you weren’t there for my grandmother. Or my best friend. So how can you be bright?

I hate you. I hate the callous way you wrap yourself in Mystery, smirk behind the greyness and lie lie lie. I hate how much turmoil you create that tosses me around like a bitter twister and never never lets go. You never can decide where to retch me out, you twisted little illegitimate. Do you even care that I hate you?

And, still, despite my hate and fear and terror, I need you. I need you like one needs oxygen or the ground underfoot. I need you so desperately that I cling to your murky form and hope that you will be there. I have spent my entire life in pursuit of you--constantly constantly pushing for you. I have tried so so so so hard to make sure that you are beautiful for me. I have tried so so so so hard to make sure that you will be good enough for everyone who sees me. But will you?

I am staring into you, the empty abyss waiting to devour me, and all I can think is that you might not be there tomorrow. Or in two minutes. Or, perhaps even more frightening, you might turn out to be a dull, greyed butter knife that I have spent all this time crafting into a polished dagger. After all, it's not like I ever had any control. You refuse to give me any certainty so that you can continue to toss me around like a limp rag doll. And, I know this is futile, but please please please PLEASE, if you are even out there, don’t let me down. Don’t disappear until I can’t stand you anymore. Please be there tomorrow, and the next day, and please be bright.

Please.

Will you be there tomorrow?

Sincerely yours,

H.S. Senior