Dear Best Friend

When we laugh together until we're snorting and wheezing

Looking crazy to anyone who glances at us

Or when you smile at me without saying anything

Those are the times when I want to say

Stop looking at me

Your smile is so pretty

Don't look at me that way

You don't know what it means to me.

 

Those times when we laugh ridiculously with each other

I get so ecstatic that I want to kiss you

But I’ll scare you and ruin our friendship.

 

I crave your company when we're apart.

I text you incessantly

Even though you seem busy and distant

Want your own space

And aren't as needy as I am.

I start feeling badly.

I know that I’m being annoying

But I still feel neglected.

I could ask other friends for company

But I want yours.

 

I feel like I love you more than you love me.  

But maybe it’s my insecurity talking,

Because when I think of all you’ve done for me

You do care.

From your concerned looks when I’m feeling down

To your encouragement when I feel uncertain.

 

I’m confused.

I’ve had trouble sorting through these feelings

Boiling it down to intense friendship

But doesn’t that sound like classic denial?

I’ve felt this before with another friend in the past

But it was fleeting.

This time is different

I’m getting more and more attached to you.

 

So many times

I’ve worried about my attraction towards you.

Do I like girls now?

Have I always been like this?

Am I really in love?

You don’t know what you put me through.

 

This is embarrassing to be honest.

If you ever read this

I wouldn’t want to face you.

I don’t want you to know about any of this.

For all I know you could have your suspicions

Because Lord knows how physically affectionate I am

But they should stay suspicions.

 

If you found out

I want to think you’d be understanding

But sometimes you can be unknowingly cruel.

What if you start avoiding me?

Shying away from my hugs?

Ignoring me?

I don’t think I could bear it.

 

But we’ll move on.

Next year we’ll be in college and drift from each other

And I’ll have time to figure myself out.

But it’s difficult to think that far down the road.

I’m thinking about how I am with you in the present.

I’m still trying to find myself.

 

I hope we can keep in contact in the future

Even though I know it’s unlikely.

Not to mention that you’re the worst texter.

 

I just want you to know that you’re important to me.

You’re my best friend.

I’ve had other best friends in the past

But you’re special.

Do I love you?

Yes.

Do I love you romantically?

Maybe.

 

I hope we can meet again down the line

And catch up with each other.

Who knows

Maybe I’ll even confess about how I felt in the past.

Maybe I’ll still love you.