dad-less gal

Wed, 07/30/2014 - 17:17 -- Skiipp


No one was ever asked to be born, but like always God is on a mysterious mission. Never say never but I would never rap my mind around how people could be so carless and selfish.  They know the outcome of it but yet peruse in actives regretlessly only to regret later. Do people not think before their actions like they preach to our generation?  How could one be so cold but confident? If you knew the outcome of sexual activities, why perform them if you’re not ready for responsibility?  I never asked to be here, NEVER.  But I thank God every day for every little thing. God has blessed me tremendously in so many ways, but I may never fully understand why he only blessed me with one parent.  I would never understand why I only have one parent nursing me, bathing me, feeding me, clothing me, sacrificing for me, loving me, caring for me. Was I that much of a mistake I didn’t deserve two? What did I possibly do for you not to want to be here? And I go so many minutes, hours, days, weeks; months without you I thought a wall of 17 years was titanium. It’s crazy how the mind can persuade the heart, and it’s crazy how the heart can convince the mind. You know how you get so use to not having something? How you can’t miss something you never had? How something that you’re supposed to be born with is not attached? You learn to live with it; at least you think you do. You tell yourself it’s fine and you’re okay. But that’s the thing you tell yourself that, because you only want to hear what you want to hear, you only want to see what you want to see. And once you’ve dealt with it for so long you think you can put it all behind you. Wrong. You’ve may convinced your mind that, but sooner or later something will fall through the cracks and you’ll find your heart longing again. Longing for something it wants and never had. You learn to live without something you never had, or do you learn to live with envy of people who have what you don’t?  Do you learn to live with a big chip on your shoulder? Do you learn to live indecisively and in denial? Do you learn to live without caring? But if it’s one did learn to live with was appreciation? I did. I don’t know why God choose me out of all his kids to only be blessed with one parent. The person it made was bitter, hateful, unforgivable, carless, but the person I became is appreciative, loveable, humble, courageous, caring. I don’t know why you don’t want to be a part of my life. I will never understand why. All I know is after 17 years of saying I don’t care about you, saying you don’t exist, saying I hate you, etc. how could I say I don’t care about you if you don’t exist? How could I hate you if you don’t exist?  How could you make my eyes flood if you don’t exist? How can you make me feel so negative if you don’t exist? How can you make me become such a monster to other people’s feelings if you don’t exist? They say people come into your life as a lesson or a blessing. If I label you as a lesson Thank You for teaching me as a kid to be envious, to be stubborn, to be mean, to be hateful, to be carless, to be unappreciative. And if I label you as a blessing I Thank you so much for teaching me as a young adult to reflect back and realize life’s too short, to reflect back and say it’s not worth hurting others, to reflect back and ask “is that how you want to be remembered?“  To reflect back and say “My mother taught me better than that.” But most of all to look forward in looking you in the eyes and saying “You’ve missed out.”


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