here I sit, quiet and alone
my mind for some reason
is travelling backward to
the carelessness and freedom
of my childhood.

many days I spent entertaining myself
and sometimes my family.
I can remember a multitude of joyous
afternoons chasing butterflies
and early evenings spent trying to catch fireflies.

yet there were also a good amount of nights
where I wondered where my father was.

love, attention, and praise for my goodness at
school or home was always present
yet I couldn't quite figure out why I felt so incomplete inside.

as time does, it waited not...
it continued to progress
while I still struggled and wrestled
with these feelings I couldn't understand or repair.

I asked why so many times
and just got the same response
and it never made me feel at ease
so I decided to find you.

I tried a few times to locate you
but my attempts were ill-fated
I was so young then...
desperate to find you, desperate for understanding.

Now that I am older and have experienced
many things that have made me
stronger and more resilient, I feel that
I have to know you.

There is so much about myself that
I don't know from whence it came...
I know now that the incomplete feeling
that lives in my soul is the
epitome of my identity crisis.

I am determined to find you
so that I can discover myself
I'm ready to connect
Ready to form some type of bond...

They say you can't miss you've never had...
that may be true in some cases but
for me, I have always missed what I needed...
my father, his family,
the other part that makes me who I am.

I will find you and finally have
more of an identity.
And then maybe that gnawing,
incomplete feeling will finally fade away.