Of course, of course

Why haven’t you come out?

It doesn’t make sense

You know your parents would… probably accept you

They are allies, you know that much

It’s not even like you’re fully in the closet

Only three of the five things

It made sense at first, duh

Of course, figure out what’s up, then come out

Say you’re pangender so anyone can use any pronouns-

“Oh, of course, you can just use the same ones you always have-

Whatever makes you feel most comfortable-”

But does it really?

Of course, of course

Because this isn’t about you and what pronouns make you feel comfortable

It’s about the people who will be using the pronouns, obviously-

But then you didn’t come out

Of course, it was all summer, at least a quarter of a school year, perhaps?

But then uncovered

Pronouns perfect and finally a name

But still radio silence

Of course, of course- why would you come out now?

It’s been too long

Besides there’s still more to find

What if they don’t really fit?

Well then of course you can’t say anything yet, test them

At least half a year, but what if

And now, of course, there may be reason to not

Because in the time?

Why of course the best thing to come up?

Of course, it’s understandable- he forgot their name

He forgot their name and used their deadname

But it’s understandable, of course, of course

It was not them he was angry at but me

But he was angry at me and took it out on them

And if it had been me, if I had been out

Why then, of course, if he had dead named me it would have made sense, of course

But he didn’t know

He dead named them and that makes me afraid

If it had been me it would have been fine

Of course, of course, how he treats me doesn’t matter

Simply the same as always

It would be a punishment

For not doing work, for talking back, for feeling any emotion

But not to my friends

Because punishing me makes sense, it’s me

But my friends

And then, oh then,

Of course your grandmother, she too dead named then

She did if on purpose, oh yes, she did

She is simply trying to be the worst about it

And her opinion is not that important to you but Nedra? 

Oh no, Nedra, of course, with her “girl time” and warm smiles

And simply to be disowned by someone not even related to you would hurt

It would hurt ever so much

But why haven’t you come out yet, are you scared?

Yes, yes, of course

I may not adore my family, I may wish that I could run away again

But that won’t work

It can’t work

Because I lean on so much and I can’t escape because how could I?

How could I escape the cage of almost acceptance?

This poem is about: 
My family


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