Insomnia. The result of my overbearing thoughts of a past I can’t change, of a future I’m terribly unsure of. Most nights I barely sleep, some nights not at all. However, I suppose this is what comes of one whose thoughts consume their soul. That’s the thing about people like me, we are just simply not the norm. I constantly feel like I am surrounded by people who see nothing but the superficial and tangible things in life, while I’m busy staring at the mural of life my mind has painted in the sky.
Most people simply do not see things through my eyes, and I suppose that may be plainly because most of them just never find the time to step back and take a good look at the infiniteness of the world around them. But to people like me, sunsets are a match that light a fire inside me, abandoned houses are mere representations of the emptiness in my body that only adventure can fill, and rainy days where most choose to stay inside, I go out to play, because the rain seemingly cleanses my soul. It is the smallest, most insignificant things in life, things most take for granted, that have the biggest impact on my heart. I am changed for having seen the beauty in watching the sun rise after a night of questioning my own self-significance to the world, because the dusk brings a new beginning, a fresh start. I guess it is true that most of us live life like caged animals, afraid to venture into the unknown, but for people like me, the unknown feels more like home than any place I’ve ever been. I find a sense of comfort in the things I do not know, because it brings about a new adventure to my life. In discovering the world, I am finding myself.
Most days I feel different, inferior, out casted perhaps. I do not find joy in the things others believe I should, because I find solace in my solitude with the world. I am at peace with nature, because when I look up at the sky, I may not see my destination, but I do see my journey. On those days where my suffering is overwhelming, and my depression eats me alive, I can still look up at even the darkest sky and see a ray of hope for where I am headed, but it was not always that I felt this way.
My heart bears the scars of darker times. It was that day that I woke up, and looked in the mirror, and hated everything I saw looking back at me. I was only a little girl, but I grew disgusted, no, infuriated with myself. You see, being a pawn in this generation’s games, I saw the beauty in others as an absence of beauty in myself. I grew weary of my reflection. I lost hope, happiness, and faith. My demons consumed me, and depression planted its roots deep in my bones, so deep in fact that I feared that I might never crawl out of this black hole that consumed the light in my life. I became so numb to life that I dreaded waking up in the morning, because the pain in my chest suffocated me more every day.
One does not know true pain until their life has become so rooted in such a deep sadness that every breath feels like a gasp for air, until getting out of bed feels like carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders. What most fail to understand is that depression is like a relationship you cannot end. No matter how many times you try to tell yourself that you deserve better, that you no longer can deal with the pain you are being put through, and that it is only dragging your life downhill, depression wraps his arms around you as you walk away and whispers, “but what about everything we’ve been through. We’ve been together so long, please don’t go.” And to your surprise, it is a sense of comfort that you feel, because this relationship is the closest thing to love you’ve got. You see, depression doesn’t leave you like everyone else does. He never walks away when life gets hard, he just holds on tighter, pulls you closer, and tells you he’ll never leave you, and the thing about it is he really means it. But what adults don’t seem to understand is this is how kids grow up these days. Walking on the edge, just waiting for the one slight breeze that makes us fall. Some of us just jump, because the hopelessness is overbearing. We feel like it will never get better. We’re in a constant pursuit of happiness that we don’t think we will ever find. So we do what we have to, to try to feel something more than this sadness inside of us.
Trust me when I say I’ve had my fair share of days, even months, where I just don’t know if there is anything marvelous, or beautiful in this world like others claim so much to see. I’ve had my days where I never allow myself to plant my feet on the cold ground and leave the comfort of my own bed, because I just don’t think life is worth my time anymore. Why waste what little energy that remains in my life on things that have no purpose, right?
WRONG. I am living, breathing proof that it does get better. Because in the darkness, there is always light. On a bad day, take a step back and look at how the sky always clears up when it rains, and how the sun always rises on a new day. There is hope. Look into the eyes of the people who love you and see how much they need you, because no matter how much you think you don’t matter, no matter how much you think the world would be a better place without you, there are people who would fall apart without you here. In saving yourself, you are saving them, and trust me this is a world where everyone could use a little bit of saving.
Our world has become cold and dark, and people have somehow lost sight of the things that really matter in life. How many friends do I have to bury before someone stands up and does something? How many people have to die before everyone opens their eyes? Our world is crashing down right in front of us, and we’re the only people that can salvage it. In a world where murder and hatred have become trend, I find hope in the world that there will be a better day. The youth of our society has become diseased with addiction and depression to fight through the tragic world that the generations before us have created, but I am a fighter, I am a dreamer, I am revolutionary. I have the weapons to change the world, I;m just not quite sure how to use them… yet.