I'm afraid of change

Afraid of not knowing

What the next person

Will be like with me

Afraid of what they

Might think about me

Will they leave me

Empty, alone, vulnerable

Writing a poem in

The middle of the

Night that you'll never

Read?

I hate myself for

Still thinking about you

When I probably don't

Even cross your mind

And if I do

I hope the thought of me

Makes your blood boil and you get the same euphoric feeling that Mary Jane always gave you.

Yes, I want you to feel a mix of calm and angst when you think of me because those are the only 2 feelings you ever put me through. There was never an in between. It was always yes or no. But I think today is an exception. I'm stuck in between wanting to text you and tell you how much I hate how we ended once again, but the scale is more tipped on the side that says no move on, but how can I move on when I keep creating playlists that remind me of you?

Everyone thinks I'm over you, and at times I swear I am, but you're always on my mind, so am I really over you? I believe not. I just push you to the back of my mind. Suddenly my days consist of making up scenarios of you calling and telling me something stupid like you always did, but oh god how I'd love to hear your voice. I don't care if you're high or drunk, I just want to hear you. Tell me what you want, heck even tell me that you hate me & give me the closure I need to hear in order to move on completely. I try to forget you by talking to new people but I'm so used to you, I would always tell you I'm used to you. And you know it. You know there's no other like you. You have all your damn defects but I loved you for them because your constant effort was adorable. I broke my own heart trying to act like I didn't need you. Now here I am once again writing a poem that you will never read, or maybe one day I'll post it in hopes that you come across it & see how I felt this whole time. Yes I'm childish for never showing you the effort you wanted me to show. I'm just not that type. I'm the most insecure person you'll ever meet. You were and are irreplaceable, but me? I just disappeared like the smoke you exhale, the particles diffuse and drift away. The smell can be covered up by a shower, a cleansing, but out of all smells I hope you never get rid of mine. I hope that one day that certain perfume of mine that you loved so much goes through your nose & hits you harder in your lungs than your first puff ever did. You can buy it for her, go right ahead, but the memories we shared with the smell of your smoke and the smell of our moment will forever be engraved in your heart like the burn marks that the roaches left you when you tried your hardest to have it all. Maybe that’s another reason why it didn't work out, you always wanted everything from me. You wanted to finish me completely, end my point of view, only to go and start a brand new argument. I hope you roll in bed looking for that scent & for me. I was happy with just my fingertips touching the arch of your back, because i knew that you were all mine back then.

I'm in the most vulnerable state that if you called right now I wouldn't hesitate to answer. I just called you privately but I hope you catch on and know that it was me. I don't care that people say I'll have no future with you. I just want to be with you. I know we will be happy together. All the plans we made can't be forgotten. You can't forget...