Cause and Effect

It’s 10:07 PM when you realize how deep my cuts are.

You cry and so do I,

but only I know that it’s not the first,

I’ve been cutting for months and not always with a knife.

You don’t know that I cut through hookups,

but we can’t talk about that.

I whisper slut with each hookup.

I know that I’m ruining myself.

“No man will ever want you”

Thank God for that, look at what men wanting me has done,

but we can’t talk about that.

I met you on a Saturday night,

it was during rehearsal.

Do you remember?

You helped me mic up then danced with me.

Your eyes glittered and your smile lit your whole face.

I liked you then,

but I soon grew to love you.

It’s 11:22 PM  when you finish bandaging me and put me to bed,

you talk to me and tell me I’m lovely.

I know I’m not because I’ve ruined myself,

but you don’t realize it yet.

I want to tell you the ways I’m damaged,

but we can’t talk about that.

You don’t try to sleep with me,

and I know I love you.

It’s 12:01 AM when I confide my sins to you,

I’m listening to your heartbeat as I whisper a number.

You don’t understand what it means, so I tell you.

You nod your head, but don’t say anything for a bit.

I want to vomit, you are going to leave and I won’t be able to stop you.

“You’re nothing but a dirty whore”

Unfortunately, he was right but it’s not like he gave me a choice,

but we can’t talk about that.

I cry as I tell you more details,

but you deserve to know because you’re more than I’ve earned.

You know I’m irresponsible

but you don’t judge this,

and for that I love you.

It’s 5:01 AM when you bring me coffee with just a bit of cream,

You kiss my head and change my bandages,

you’re always so gentle with me

and for that I love you more.

I still don’t tell you how I grew up

because we can’t talk about that.

We can’t talk about the ugly truth because it’s too hard,

no one wants to hear someone’s rape story

or rape stories.

We can’t talk about the reality of rape

or how many people are raped by their own family.

We can’t talk about the number of rape-related abortions

or how much abuse isn’t acknowledged.

No, I won’t tell you because we can’t talk about that.

This poem is about: 
Me
My family
My community
My country
Our world

Comments

Emily Fish

This is super deep I love it!

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