every exasperated sigh

is a painful reminder

of how unhappy you are here.

I cringe when I hear you

You are like a machine on its last run, ready to give in at any given moment

And our house is minefield of distant memories of better days full of sunshine, tire swings, and kisses goodnight

when you still were here

 

And by here I don’t mean in the vicinity, because right now you fulfill that definition but in reality you don’t fulfill me or this family

 

I can hear what you exhale like a thousand screams from every direction

it all comes in one gust, knocking me to the ground

I’ve fallen seven times too many and I can’t withstand this for much longer

And neither can you.

 

I know you aren’t happy

I see this in the dull reflection of the two sets of eyes I view when I peer into yours.

Both hazel,

and longing for something more, and in that pair of eyes I see it:

 

I am breaking too.

with every exhale,

I inhale toxins of remorse;

I am breaking too

 

You know, I want to go back

 

I want you to be my daddy,

Not my housemate

I want you to hug me

and kiss me on my forehead

like I meant something

I want you and mommy to be in love

like I thought you always would be

 

I want to tell you about my day

and hear about yours

with no single words as mediocre excuses for responses

 

Because 'fine' and 'okay' just don't cut it anymore

In fact, they just cut. With every half hearted fillament of a reply 

my heart numbs to your absence

 

Each 'fine' is inscripted upon my heart as a scar and has taken over it like a disease

and now, I find myself saying I'm just 'okay' too

because I don't know any better

 

I want you to know my teacher’s names

what my schedule is for a monday night

and my favorite song

 

like you should know

like we should know

but we don’t

 

the thing is,

we are not intertwined

the distance between us is the no man’s land

neither of us are willing to pick from the ruins of the past  and make new

for each other

too afraid to risk our pride for happiness

it’s as if we’re strangers and you just

pay my bills

pay for college

criticize

minimalize

me

this

us

 

So here’s me risking it all for you:

I am breaking too,

daddy

 

 

And, I can’t

breathe

with you breathing over me.