The Blade That Started Everything

I recite my favorite poem while lying unconscious

Feeling the warmth flowing down my arm

Regaining conscious I see the bright light

I struggle to understand where I am

Then I remember

4 hours ago I was home

I remember grabbing the blade and locking myself in the bathroom

Sitting on the floor texting everyone I cared about goodbye

It was 7 at night

I blasted my music

To keep everyone from knowing

I couldn’t take my pain

I sat in my bathtub and first deep cut

Still in pain

Second deep still here

Third, fourth, tenth  starts to become numb

Twentieth everything went black

Someone must have found me

They called 911

I regained consciousness

It's all light around me

A nurse comes in asking if I’m up for a visitor

He says it's my mom

Of course, I'm up to see my mom

With the little strength, I had I say yes

You'd think a mother would ask why

Or anything instead I got this

You know you're going to hell

People who commit suicide

Go to hell

No strength but I snapped

With the last strength I had, I got up

And screamed at her to leave

I knocked out again

A couple days later when I regained my strength

They sent me up to my floor

During visiting hours both my parents came

They were physically there

But my dad wasn’t

He couldn’t even look at me

He disowned me

That was the most painful

I remember it was Mother’s Day

Freshman year my doctor said

You’ll be going home soon

Coming back to school was the next battle

I was so scared

I came back never taking off my long sleeves

Not wanting the jokes to be about me

Flash forward to sophomore year

Sitting in my leadership class

Watching Cyberbully

My “friends” starting making jokes

About Taylor

Saying if she wanted to die

Just do this or that

My “friends” knowing what I've been through

My blood was boiling

I couldn’t stay there

I couldn’t stay quiet

I went off and walked out not looking back

Ran to the bathroom locked myself in a stall

And cried

Two years later

I'm completely off medication

Done with my therapy

I'm better

I can’t stand the jokes still

Still wearing long sleeves but

Not out of shame or anything

Now I see this going on

I try my best to stop it

To those who deal with this

Don't let it win

Don't let them take over

You're worth it

You're amazing

You're a warrior

You matter and I will miss you



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