Bitter Cold

I’m the kind of girl, who will go outside without a coat on

And lay in the middle of an ice rink,

Until the coldness turns everything numb.

And I welcome the cold

I welcome the numbness.

Because as soon as the numbness sets in

You cant feel anything.

Not the cold,

Or the pain

Or your past mistakes.

You can’t feel stress

Or heartache

Or grief

Or rage.

And I need that.

I need to not feel for once in my life.

 

I’m the kind of girl who will stand out in the cold

Staring at the sky for hours

Hypnotized by the stars.

Not even realizing that her hands had turned purple.

I’m the kind of girl that when she was little

Just wanted to stay outside and play,

And stayed out so long,

And got soaked to the bone,

And didn’t even care.

Because I just wanted to play outside.

But when I walked into the house my mother

Freaked out because 6 year old me

Had gotten frostbite in her fingers and toes.

And I still didn’t care;

I was satisfied with my day spent at play.

 

And I’m the kind of girl that fears neither the cold

Nor the danger of ice and snow.

I laugh into the freezing wind

And dare it to bring more.

To push me farther.

To see if I can stand outside longer.

To see if I won’t complain ever.

And I will.

But when it comes to people I freeze in my tracks.

I am dwarfed

I am crushed.

I will not stand up for myself.

I let myself get hurt

Because I am too scared to hurt someone else

I’m terrified of being mean and not seeing it,

Terrified of being a monster and not even knowing.

And yet I always seem to hurt the ones I love

When I’m not even trying.

That scares me the most.

Not that I will feel bitter cold,

But that I will be a bitter soul.

That I could be just as scary as the winter

Just as mean and dangerous and unforgiving.

But I have never minded being cold,

So I don’t know what it feels like.

This poem is about: 
Me

Comments

Need to talk?

If you ever need help or support, we trust CrisisTextline.org for people dealing with depression. Text HOME to 741741