I’m the kind of girl, who will go outside without a coat on
And lay in the middle of an ice rink,
Until the coldness turns everything numb.
And I welcome the cold
I welcome the numbness.
Because as soon as the numbness sets in
You cant feel anything.
Not the cold,
Or the pain
Or your past mistakes.
You can’t feel stress
And I need that.
I need to not feel for once in my life.
I’m the kind of girl who will stand out in the cold
Staring at the sky for hours
Hypnotized by the stars.
Not even realizing that her hands had turned purple.
I’m the kind of girl that when she was little
Just wanted to stay outside and play,
And stayed out so long,
And got soaked to the bone,
And didn’t even care.
Because I just wanted to play outside.
But when I walked into the house my mother
Freaked out because 6 year old me
Had gotten frostbite in her fingers and toes.
And I still didn’t care;
I was satisfied with my day spent at play.
And I’m the kind of girl that fears neither the cold
Nor the danger of ice and snow.
I laugh into the freezing wind
And dare it to bring more.
To push me farther.
To see if I can stand outside longer.
To see if I won’t complain ever.
And I will.
But when it comes to people I freeze in my tracks.
I am dwarfed
I am crushed.
I will not stand up for myself.
I let myself get hurt
Because I am too scared to hurt someone else
I’m terrified of being mean and not seeing it,
Terrified of being a monster and not even knowing.
And yet I always seem to hurt the ones I love
When I’m not even trying.
That scares me the most.
Not that I will feel bitter cold,
But that I will be a bitter soul.
That I could be just as scary as the winter
Just as mean and dangerous and unforgiving.
But I have never minded being cold,
So I don’t know what it feels like.