#BecauseILoveYou I Need to Let Go

No happiness.

No energy.

No fulfillment in things I used to love. 

I didn’t get it. 

I thought it was my fault.

I’ve always known I deserve to be happy,

But my passiveness got in the way. 

“I need you,” 

She would say,

“I did something bad and I need you.”

“I’m busy,”

I’d reply.

And I was, with something important.  

“I need you,” 

She would repeat until I caved.

She explained how she’d done something unethical,

Something I would never do. 

She was crying to me 

Because she was suffering the consequences

and expected me to fix her problems.

Just like the day before. 

And just like the day before. 

Manipulation.

Not a particularly recognizable manifestation of relationship abuse.

#BecauseILoveYou is what I would tell myself. 

She’s my best friend. 

I love her, 

She has no one else,

I have to help her. 

So, I held back my inner thoughts,

All the things I wanted to explain were wrong

In the way she was treating me,

As she continued to make me angrier

And more and more unhappy.

 

Until I finally cracked.

I realized it wasn’t my fault

That I had fallen into a spout of depression.

I had the courage to finally tell myself,

#BecauseILoveYou 

I'm going to give you the happiness you deserve.

I made her upset, though,

And as I she sat there crying at me 

I almost gave in

To the manipulation 

All over again. 

But I was stronger. 

I found my voice.

I told her:

“I can’t give you what you need. 

And I need to be alone. 

I need to be selfish right now, 

Because honestly, 

You keep crossing boundaries

And you don’t know when to stop.

You don't treat me like I deserve.”

 

I found myself again.

I can’t remember a time when I was this happy. 

I’m no longer sucked into that

Demented kind of co-dependency

That made me go insane. 

Love is about knowing what someone else needs 

And knowing when to stop asking for help.

Love is about total honesty.

Love is about putting someone else

Above yourself.

These are things I did for her, 

But things she did not do for me. 

These are also things I lost the ability to do for myself.

She didn’t know how to love me. 

She said she did but she didn’t.

She just loved herself.

The entire time we were friends

All I wanted to hear her say was 

“#BecauseILoveYou

I’m going to give you space.”

But some things never go as you want them to.

Some things you just have to let go.

 

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This poem is about: 
Me

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