For all the girls standing in the line
For the bathroom.
For all the girls,
With a gaping black hole in the back of my throat
Waiting for the next storm to come.
With an overflowing river of anger and loathing
Filling my veins.
Running into an empty bathroom after lunch
To rid of the guilt and the weight
Of everyday life.
Spending more time within those stall walls
Than in the warming sun each day,
I beg for another chance at a normal life.
Again and again I ask why I must live this way
And how I can change it.
Can this black void of a body only be filled
With the pain of my past,
With the thoughts of my lost childhood
Because I was too busy looking in the mirror
And losing my mind and my waistline?
Everyone else knows that I’m no less of a human
Than the next person
But my humanity drowns in the vomit of regret.
I was deprived of the feelings of acceptance,
I self-taught that the size of my waistline
Equals the size of my self-esteem-
A size zero-
An ideal picture of love.
My life was as dark as that black hole throat of mine.
I did not see the warmth I casted when I entered a room,
The smiles on the faces of others who appreciated my presence,
The conversations cherished in the late night hours
Where we would throw up
But then I used those same two fingers to
Purge the peace from my being.
My eyes sunken in from the weight of
The ways I beat myself up every day.
My stomach a vast tomb
Filled to the brim
Of the love strained from my heart.
But I was pulled from that tornado,
That ghost-filled cyclone of death
My mother showed her glowing face
Her beating heart
Beating for the both of us.
The ghosts held my throat back
My mother pulling with greater force
I finally saw the light
That I was wanted in this world.
My personality had changed in that tornado
It was bleak,
Depressing to say the least.
The bubbles that used to form when I laughed
Had all popped and choked me.
But coming out of there showed me something
I thought I’d never see again:
The colors of life.
For all the girls standing in line
For the bathroom:
The color is there.
The light is waiting.
And it always will.