To the baby who didn't get to be

Dear child
I'm sorry
I was only 14
How was i suppose to know you were part of me.
You came from a night I didn't want to see.
You came from the worst part of me.
Drunk and alone
I was only a baby myself you see.
I'm sorry I never got to name you.
I didn't even know you,
yet you where every part of me.
See looking back now that's a scarry thing.
Please tell me you forgive me.
My body couldn't carry a baby.
I was dealing with the stress of being an alcoholic teen.
You showed up,
and left a bloody scene.
I could never wipe you clean from my memories.
You where half me and half a man who took advantage of me.
I couldn't care for myself let alone be your mom too.
I was more scared of you than I knew.
You never got to take your first breath, or first steps because of me.
My baby you'll never be forgotten by me.
A select few know you use to move inside of me.
I'm sorry that's the way I deal with the loss of you.
What was i supposed to do.
I couldn't afford to even clothe you.
It wasn't fair to you.
what I put you through.
I want to let you know I still think about you.
I want to hold your hand and teach you to understand,
but you where riped from this place before you had the chance.
I'm so sorry my baby.
I'm sure you understand.
You've been haunting me every day,
I took your chance at life away.
I checked pregnancy test one, two, three, four I cried and hit the floor.
I lost you all alone, three and a half months in.
Blood rushed over me,
Cleaning me of my sin.
Truth is you wernt a sin only growing skin.
You lost your life before it could begin.
You would've had the most beautiful eyes.
But your timing just wasn't right.
I didn't want to lose you it happened at night.
I checked half a month later
To see if you where still alive.
I then relised I'd never Get to hear my baby cry.
The hurt losing you caused me was hard to denie.
I hid you from the world for important reasons.
You deserve to know why.
I couldn't tell my dad
I couldn't tell him you died.
The fact that you where once alive scares me to open up to others.
You should have survived.
I should have gone to the doctors
but I couldn't face the judgement in others eyes.
For five years I lived a lie.
No one knew you once grew inside.
My body couldn't carry you,
so I never got to know how to hold you.
You would be four now with three siblings from your dad's side.
Your sister is my goddaughter
I see you in her sometimes.
I'm sorry I can't make it up to you or ever carry you to term.
After losing you I learned I can't have a baby due to complications when I was still immature.
I'm sad at the part of me who's happy you died.
I couldn't raise a child I wasn't ready to take care of another humans life.
I want you to know I survived for you
and hope you live through my life.
I wish you well but never good bye.
I love you my sweet baby you'll always be on my mind.
One day we can meet
For now this is goodbye.

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