Apology Never Accepted

Fri, 08/02/2013 - 13:07 -- saba345

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Apology Never Accepted  Saba G Shah An old lady inside a white bedroom laying ontop of a light blue bed. Her glasses set upon a wooden table next to her while her arms are bruised from the needles and syringes forced inside her fragile body. Her eyes, slightly open. Her head, tilted to the right. Her skin, paler than usual.. And upon her face held a smile.. A smile that is now forever imprinted inside my heart, but that smile.. Couldn't last for long.Everyday I came home from school and the  only voice I heard was yours.. A voice I ignored, a voice I was annoyed and irritated by.. Everyday I woke up just to come downstairs and for you to ask me to sit with you.. For me to just stay with you for a little while, while everyone else is busy doing other things.You couldn't walk. You didn't have a television that you could watch. It was only you alone in a bedroom with nothing to do but sit and stare as the days passed by.I didn't come to you, I didn't sit with you either.. I left you there all alone and I'm sorry.. I'm sorry that when you needed something that required you to move- which you couldn't do.. I refused. I'm sorry that I was capable of being there for you but for selfish reasons I wasn't. I went to go do other things. Things that weren't as important to me as you were.. But that realization never occured to me until now. I had you once and I didn't give the slightest attention to you but you were still willing to give me all of yours.  There were times Grandma, when you simply missed me. When you simply just asked me to spend time with you.. But I downgraded you and I declined. Now that I miss you.. Now that I need you.. You can't be here for me. I don't blame you, you're not at fault. I blame myself for the time I had with you that I decided to just throw away without a second thought. I blame myself for the times you were hurt and I didn't help. I blame myself for the times I could've told you I loved you and cared for you, but now it's something I just can't do. Not today, not tomorrow..Her hand tightened up inside mine as a tear fell from my eye.. She was gone. Gone from me and from this earth that she was once put upon. I told her she'd make it.. I promised her she would. A promise that I broke.. I lied. The least I could've done was told her the truth but I failed to do that. You see it wasn't the first time she was sent to the hospital. There were several times when she even stayed there for weeks. She was always sent into hospitals and back home. Only difference this time was.. She went, but never returned home. She had a home, I begged her to stay. She didn't have to go. No one was kicking her out. Although, she still left. I couldn't stop her from leaving. Mom blamed the doctors. Mom failed to recognize that she was in pain and she was suffering. It was better to just let her go, instead she begged and pleaded them to do something- to save her, but what could they do? They did everything that they could. They were our only hope.. I know I couldn't do anything but stare at her as she laid there on her death bed. I couldn't save her. I couldn't apologize for all the wrong that I had done to her.. For how poorly I treated her.. For those times I yelled at her and ignored her. People told me nothing was wrong, I didn't believe them. No doctor, no person could ever fool me that day.And now here I am holding a pen in my hand, writing about memories. When it was you, and when it was me.. But now you're gone somewhere far away. So far that I can search across this whole world and still never find you. So far, that I can fly across the desert, swim across these seas.. But still there will be no trace of you. I stand here on my knees, in a dark room. With nothing put a pen and a piece of paper, writing.. Writing about what once use to be. I write for you, I write to fill in the blanks. I write an apology letter, I write for forgiveness, I write so you know, I write... I write, because I feel as if somewhere, maybe even right next to me.. You are reading these words of sorrow. These words which come from my heart, fall from my eyes, speak from my mouth.. And land on this fragile white paper. A paper, as thin as my heart. A paper, that can rip so easily.. A paper, where the ink can be either smudged or covered up, but the pain of the words and the story of my life still remains..If I knew what I know now maybe just maybe.. I would've never neglected you. Never would I, in any sort of way.. would've hurt you. I would've never left your sight.. Though everyday I came home from school and the  only voice I heard was yours.. A voice I ignored, a voice I was annoyed and irritated by.. A voice that I shall never hear again..

 

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