Angel of Pain (Guardian Angel)
(((I copied this from my previous account that was deleted, Please enjoy)))
All around me, I see people smiling and laughing as if nothing in the world else matters. I smile as I walk with them, enjoying the sun and the breeze, pretending to be like them and trying to please others. However, they do not see the invisible being that walks past them, that watches them protectively every day; their modern-day Guardian Angel as I often refer to it in the privacy of my own mind. The darkness that eludes them is because of this unseen creature that only I can see, that only I can sense because this being is inside of me.
I forgo many things that supply my own happiness just to appease those that deserve more than I could ever want. I forgo my favorite television shows such as Supernatural, Doctor Who and Sherlock to appease them when they say I need to be better at studies. I forgo my favorite hobby, writing, to work out because that is what they want. I gave up who I was a long time ago to make certain that others are happy. I risk my own happiness because I rather others be happy than myself. I rather suffer in my own version of Hell alone than suffer than to see those that I actually do love and care about suffering because I refused them.
I am numb and frozen as snow on the inside of my own soul, I am socially awkward; almost to be considered a sociopath but I hide that so that I don’t lose that do mean the most to me. At night, I lay in the darkness and do that one thing I know I could not do during the day and be seen, I cry into my pillow. These are the tears of those that I held in all day and the tears of the hidden emotions to keep others from wondering if I am okay. My tears run like rain and my pillow seems to be the most accepting of my wasted tears as it absorbs the salty mixture.
I draw on my arms in a red marker, as if to imitate the marks that are scars that have formed on my heart over the years of self-abuse of my physical self. I can hear the still small voice inside my heart screaming and crying as loudly as possible to be free, to be seen crying in public again but I cannot risk that again. Damn it, I can not risk being alone again, alone in my thoughts and alone in my own shattered heart as I had once been because that kind of loneliness would kill me both mentally and emotionally.
The red lines mark my tan arm as smoothly as if I was paper, my body being a canvas for my own selfish desires. Each mark brings forth a new tear but hides another desire from the world. I look at my arm and I am disgusted, I was so young, have been told that I was beautiful on the inside yet over 100 marks litter my arms that I move to my legs, just to keep myself from screaming out my anguish and risk being exposed. I hear a voice yell in the distance of my mind that this is wrong but each mark I tell myself that if I do not do this, I will not be able to protect all I need to protect. My sole purpose was to protect and serve those that need me most.
The first mark on my leg is like a whip to my heart, making me realize that I was taking the pain from around me. I was absorbing the emotions from around me during the day that I have no choice but to let them all out on my body or risk another breakdown. I draw more and scream internally as if the marker is a blade and the marks left on my body is a victory of the anger, fear, and sorrow I feel during the day. I wanted to tell someone about this but I knew that if I did, I would fail my mission. I had to keep it to myself. I was brought here as a sacrifice, my job was to absorb the anger, the fear and the sorrow around me because that was my purpose. I was to absorb and to ensure that all were safe.
I close the marker and look down but not before I wrote the words “Keep going” on my body. I then get up and go to wash my face after I put on my jeans, noticing that it was sunrise, another sleepless night but this was natural, this was me. I pull out my long sleeve thin black jacket and put it on, not to expose my new marks. I grab my backpack and prepare to start a new day. I wear a fake smile to not expose who I really am. People do not know this because I am not normal and I will never be.
I could be the person making your coffee at a café or the person sitting next to you in lecture but you will never know because my job is to protect, not to be happy. This is the purpose of someone who has given up all to see others happy.
I am an Angel of Pain but to all, I will be a Guardian Angel and all you have to do is say “Release me” and I will absorb all the pain and sorrow into my own body so you maybe free once more.
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