"Some kids just grow up sad"

"Growing up alone will do that to you"

"They know your mom... let you watch too much TV"

"Kids need playmates"

 

Yeah, I had no playmates.

I spent my time talking to adults who tried to treat me as an equal,

then had my dream crushed when others asserted their dominance.

I kicked balls against walls for fun,

I taught myself to hula hoop with eight rings,

I built towns, told myself stories,

drew and painted and read.

 

But these all felt more like passing time than playing.

I started out shy, fearful of other kids,

and I never really left that mindset.

"Stop seeing life as a combat situation"

I'm sorry that life started to feel like

people trying to steal and change me,

make me into a normal person,

make me into a submissive little girl.

 

I mean, who the hell has an existential crisis 

before they should even be old enough to have a sense of self?

18 months old is too early to realize you are going to leave,

become an independent person, and it scares you.

 

But rather than cry,

and be forced to use words you won't know for years

to explain ideas you shouldn't understand

for emotions children shouldn't have,

I tried to absorb myself back into playing alone.

 

I keep doing it.

I keep busy enough to stop feeling sad,

but then I feel sad because there are too many people.

I am sad because I can't feel myself 

I can't hear myself breathing.

And I have to hide,

but you can't hide from everyone.

 

I grew up without friends.

I grew up seeking my father and his time,

but work stole him.

I cried because he couldn't skate with me,

he couldn't take me to the park,

he couldn't look at my homework.

We never ate together until I was in high school,

and even then it was usually forced.

 

My mother yelled,

even if it was because I was crying,

even if it was because I was hurting myself,

and I think she's grown to understand

the sadness I try not to show

isn't solved by anger.

 

And now I have no long-term ties left.

I'm alone again.

I grew up resisting people who wanted me to be normal,

and now I desperately wish I was.

I don't want to have been alone.

 

I don't want to have been destroyed by abandonment.

 

I don't want to be ridiculously attached.

 

I want to be laughing at people's jokes rather than assuring them.

 

I want to have never had to recover,

and I want out of the process.

 

I want someone else to talk to.