Afraid Of Change

I try to live my life as you see fit 
To be the person you want me to be and not who I desire to be 
My heart yearns for freedom my unspoken words dig into my flesh 
My body screams for the dreams I wish to come to life 
You raised me in a closed out world 
Already lodged into my brain what I should believe 
Brainwashed 
What god It is that I should worship 
What gender It is that I should love 
What steps I should take on the path of a being a good Christian women 
A sinner trying to devote herself to living a sinless life 
Forgive me lord for I have sinned 
I cleanse myself 
I detox the waste the anger 
The resentment 
The thoughts in my head 
That would disown me 
But they always come back 
A little bit stronger each time 
But I think of you in these times of weakness 
In these times where I should have a voice 
But I can let out nothing but a sigh 
Because I am nothing without what you have given me what you have given up for me 
But my self identity is yet to be found 
Because I cannot unravel myself from what was already put onto me entangled through and through me 
I live by These rules and regulations that restrict me from being the person I seek out to be 
I'm empty 
I'm afraid of self expression afraid of myself my thoughts and my heart 
Because you'll only judge me 
You'll only despise me in that very moment 
This is not the daughter I raised 
This is not the life you should live 
But this is who I am 
Who I've always been 
And who I always will be 
This is when I stop trying to please you 
And live in a world of ecstasy 
Guide that inspired this poem: 

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