Abandoned.

My eyes glued for so long I couldn't see, blinding everything, this enchantment…but now entrapment.
This cycle seems to not fade. Thinking its light and glory we made, when in reality its nothing but tragedy, while you tactfully try to bring my sanity to this twisted unhappy family.

Painted with glory and rage, so many say it's because of my age,

But I must find that distraction. A cure for a permanent detachment from this chain reaction.  Something to write all the facts in.

Remembering the lies, the beautiful sorrow you put in my eyes, the misery and the pain that the children watched every day to only gain, pain.

Instability.

Formed from these lies in the love were supposed to show teach nurture and grow to only make them sickly disconnected... Learning how to disrespect forget and feel neglected, they listened to the cop calls, watched us both put these holes in the walls, watched mommy Saab and the anger pulse through your veins.... We were a broken game. And the kids wipe their eyes as they cry…while you just materialize our lives and fantasize that this family just “thrives” when under this hallucinated but almost duplicated persona of what you call “living” It’s all lies. But you keep me so mesmerized and high I thrive off these lies. Superficially happy in front of all watching eyes.

Only to give these wrong skills to our kids, making them the same, with such shame. Now you being away, I’m almost finished picking up this broken game, forbidding this shame, and teaching them the love they should’ve gained.

Yeah, my mind is sick. I sit here and I miss you. Cry. Needing reason to again wanna kill you...and kiss you. Disconnect my wires from you. Rewind time, erase the history, make you love me, then making you nothing to me. Not even the slightest memory, so you can feel the pain inbetted in me… not sentimentality. Instead I pray for courage and strength to replace the panic and hate, the sadness and fate.

To get through, another day.

I’m sitting here, reminiscing on everything so very unclear, trying to rap my mind around the fact of the demons hating these rhymes. It’s just a matter of healing time, and it blows my mind to think I'd be anywhere but here. Waiting for you, sure that my fairytale had come true, that you had taken away this pain put that lovin in my broken childhood, name and game. Just to find out everything my mama said protecting me from you was the same, and how right her words became. I try to hypnotize my mind, making sense of all these lies, try to feel those butterflies. And ask myself, why?
 Go back to what I thought was that materialistic pure and terrific almost mystic and Angelique life. Only to find the black in your soul, thinking about more and more as I go... this hatred and love mixed together makes me understand why I left you altogether.

It’s for the better.

Like this is some kind of security trying again to take a hold of me, making a fool out of thee. So gently yes but so intent fully and intensely… it takes the breath right outta me. This past is my mortal enemy and if I don’t banish it,

it will undoubtedly be the death of me.

So for the sake of these angels sitting in front of me, I promise them and guarantee that by the count of three ill drop this animosity, and be free.

One, two, three.