And as I digress
I realize there is nothing more I can ever do than to accept myself
Being nurtured and loved by the same society that turns around and disownes you for what?
Being Fat
Short legs
Huge boobs
EVERYTHING BESIDES BEING 5'9" AND BLONDE AND SKINNY AND PRETTY
...is that even fair?
The consistantly asked rhetorical question leads to the consistantly answered rhetorical response
Or silence
The same silence that engulfed eighty percent of my twelfth year on this earth
The silence that only a sharpener blade could ever bring out
The silence that I had to endure after she shoved me out of a chair
Only after labeling me as "the fat ass"
I never wanted it I never wanted any of it
But I would kill to have it back
At least I would have something
Something to take up my time
Something other than those test for competancy
Or for my sanity
Or the threats from my childhood
And the reminders of every mental hospital that Broward County had
And it kills me
It kills me to know that the only fears I have
Are not from spiders
Or bees
Or even birds
I wake up fearing my entire life
I don't want to wake up fat again
I don't want to wake up with twenty cuts on my left arm Every single morning
Because thats my own personal hell
And I never want to go back
I never want to go back I miss my pre sixth grade innocence
Where sex was apples
And Adam was my best friend
And I could write in journals
And relive That's So Raven and Lizzie McGuire
I miss not having a single care in the world
But I hit a brick wall,
And I slammed right into that one,
Filled to the brim of reality saying
"The world is your oyster
Only if you can look like the pearl"
So I tried and I tried
Diets, Exercise, you name it I've been there
I've done that
And I made it
Physically I'm unhealthy
Mentally I'm trying to hang on
But emotionally I'm already gone
Its like I'm numb inside
So I smile
Put on a front
Because I dont want to hear "what's wrong?"
Because I don't know whats wrong I haven't been right since sixth grade
And I just want to be accepted for all of me
But I wont be until I can wake up in the morning and tell myself "I'm okay"
Or until I can look in the mirror and say
"Goddammit Kaylor, you're fucking beautiful"
My semi perimable membrane is so selective
That my own compliments cant get through
But I'll learn
One day its going to click
The same way I hit that wall
Or found my escape through my blades
One day, hopefully I'll stop trying to take diet pills
Stop using makeup
One day I'll lie down, look at the ceiling
And say eveything I love about myself
And finally get past four
Because I am worth more than just a number
A test score and a freaking diet pill
I'm Kaylor and that should be more than enough for me