545.4 miles

I played the music we used to listen together at 1 in the morning


as the dark road was stretched with our thoughts of our future

young freshmen coming home from a band trip again

the moon fully lit as you told me about your darkest secrets


My mom forbid me ever talking to you 

because you dyed my hair red

and we went walking into a field 



We still talked.




You were there when I cried over one of my ex boyfriends

and you were there to pick me up

We took silly pictures and laughed until the sun bursted


You were there when I was becoming myself.


so many memories stained my skin


stained my mind


your laugh

your smile

the pureness of just you


I was 18

I moved to Maryland

545.4 miles away from you

over 8 hours away

my senior year

new school new me





You called me in the simple mornings before the sun would rise

I saw pictures of how happy you were with your internship

I got the opprotunity to see you once

and it was like I never left

you met the love of my life

and you liked him

i felt more wholesome.

as if the stars were aligning more and more each day







days passed after that

maybe a couple of months

you told me you broke up with the man you though you would marry

we kept in touch for a bit




and then you met him.


he seemed geniune at first.


but the thing is


I trusted you so i thought maybe you saw how manipulative he could be

i kept it to myself.

maybe i shouldn't have


you messaged me at 3 in the morning

it was still dark out

you were upset because you felt ignored

by him

but he gave excuses



you told me how he felt he didnt appreciate your body

how much better you would look if you lost five pounds


how weak you were because you felt he was ignoring you


and that you were just stalking him on social media to prove his point





you were upset.

i didn't know what to say




i noticed he belittled others on social media for having opposing views

and would passive aggressively 


I am unsure where I am going with this now

I could give you an outline of what bad behavior is

and belitting others

so just keep that in mind for me




you began talking to me less and less

and his opinions filled your head

he crafted you into something he desired


i guess i didn't fit in your lifestyle anymore


you got defensive when i asked why


as you were defending your opinion on social media



and i realized how artificial things were

you needed space

but was 545 miles enough for you

or was it me

was i an odd shapped puzzle piece that just

couldn't fit

and you couldn't sculpt me like he did to you



i remember all the secrets you gave me and they all tasted like

artifical sweetener

and vodka


i realized we were growing

and you were growing into something i didn't know anymore

like when you wake up and you realize

you are depressed and 

you just look in the mirror and think why


you removed my husband out of your life when he showed

nothing but kindness and compassion towards you




i understand


i am an odd shaped puzzle piece


they say people just grow apart


but what were 8 years to you then

for some strange man to take everything we had

and turn it into something else


I want to talk to you again to maybe change things.




I just ended up removing you


because you couldn't give me nothing but excuses of why i didn't matter


and I became 14 years old again listening to my dad tell me

that on the advice of his lawyer

he couldn't see me


I was 14 again


and I wasn't going to cry

anymore i was stronger i have become






you sent me endless text messages the next morning of how selfish and childish i was to just remove you


but in fact you were just angry i finally disconnected from you


i didnt need to


see you across my life anymore to just leave

and come back

and to leave

and ignore and


come back


but all i have now

are these songs and albums i come back to every now and then

and eventually i wont be the girl remembering the moon on my way home when i was 14


or the girl with the red in her hair 


i will be me












This poem is about: 


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