Knowing that I was gonna try and fail many times in my life
I really wasn’t prepared.
I’ve been over weight since head start Pre-K
although I didn’t look at it as a deformity everyone else did.
I would get truth at such a young age being seven and having a teacher
tell you that you was fat.
Really it didn’t bother me cause I was young
But then I grow, honestly it didn’t do much for me.
I’ve grown up to be a woman who’s watched her life of weight gains and losses through a screen door, I have been on a diet for the last two weeks and I exercise at 6 AM till the sun comes out but every day the devil whispers lies into my head like putting salt on an open wound.
He waits for me to get real weak and then he whisper in my ear, “turn over, its too early, I don’t wanna get up, do it later, eat that, it won’t kill you, what’s 1000 calories in a 2000 calorie diet?”
I’ve never passed a mirror without feeling like I couldn’t get any bigger
I’ve never made jokes about being big without regretting who I have become later
I haven’t walked into a clothing store without awkward knowing that I can’t fit anything without seeing the big broad sign that says “Plus Size”
Well, this wasn’t the life I was supposed to be living, unless you live my life you can’t possibly understand what I go through.
When I deny going out with my friends cause I know I disappear between the cracks, why do I make jokes with guys I like, knowing that nothing can come of it? Because if I take attention off the fact that it could never be us, the pain doesn’t get any worse.
I’ve never heard, “you have a pretty face” without feeling, what about the rest of me?
Outcast I was, people starred at me like being overweight was a disease and they were deathly afraid of catching it, and in and out of hospitals due to malnutrition and dehydration and have you ever listened as men talk about you when you’re not around? Kindly explain to you that I needed to be lucky that I was ever with them because I can’t get no better.
I’ve been fighting against family, friends and boyfriends, but what no one gets is that you beat yourself up every single day and trust me I don’t need no help.
Character, being overweight does not define who I am but it strengthens my character.
I am who I am because of what I go through. Everyone who loves me tells me how beautiful person I am, but unless I see it then it does not change the tears and the heart aches, I’m still fighting. Everyday I fight, I am losing weight but I am finally actually doing it for me and I’m givin you a piece of what I’ve been through and if you had time, I would really like to break you heart.
Need to talk?
If you ever need help or support, we trust CrisisTextline.org for people dealing with depression. Text HOME to 741741