0. We all wonder how many times parents pray for a child with no complications before birth.

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3. I learned the alphabet but momma is foreign on my tongue like my forgotten native language.

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5. In kindergarten Nick gave me a cherry ring pop because he wanted to marry me.

6. I held hands with Megan because I thought she was cute.

7. I find an unused condom, poking at it questionably and often catch my brother slipping boys into the crack of his door. 

8. I don't know what gay is but I hear my brother use it. It was the first time I heard my dad cry when he begged my mom not to leave and found him on his knees as if he was praying to Jesus. 

9. Food is more comforting than people. Why is Chels wearing sweaters in the middle of may? My sisters abuse left no physical bruise. I walked into the bathroom, caught my sister with the scissors over pre exsisting cuts on her arms, she pushed me away and we never spoke about it. Mama asked me questions that I didn't understand but told me that sissy is getting help at the mental institution.

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11. Six grade. The divorce went through. Both parents bribed me with lies. My cousins didn't need to tell me I was fat, it wasn't hide-n-go-seek, it was find Chloe and tag her fat ass really but hey, we were kids and it was all jokes right?

12.  New midle school- Rogelyn in math class intrigued me. I'm looking in the mirror wondering what the hell happened with puberty. Bill's hand is the foreign tide on my thigh and I push it away with each push it comes back on my shores. Sam and I lay under the stars with joints tucked in between our fingers, the warm winds of May blowing my hair back with our minds hazy he pulls me into a kiss. I pull away and I feel like its these American militants taking my ancestral lands away but I stand up and say no. His sloppy forced kisses taste and feel like poison, his ragged breath leaves imprints on my skin and I feel my heart crashing under the pressure of his hands squeezing my wrists. "Chill out, we don't need to have sex", he reassured me. A couple of months later he made smiles with my relatives and I pretend to not know him. He found his way back into my room and went back o where he started but never quite finished. Don't worry molestation isn't as serious as rape. He may have not taken my innocence but he robbed me of my childhood. I want to kick people in their fucking faces when they make rape or molestation jokes but I manage to crack a smile while I'm dying on the inside.

13. I hate them- I hate how raw I'd scrub my skin and I still feel their hands. 8th grade. I asked God why he let this happen to me. Rogelyn and I try to date and I come out as bisexual for her and I- my dad cries himself to sleep. Mom tells me it's kind of weird to like boys and girls equally and not more feathers and gold on a scale, favoring one over the other. Typing- how to consume less, you see I wanted to be smaller. Take up less space because matter takes up space and I don't matter. I am a waste of space just taking up more space in this world. Mama thought dad was starving me and all she  could say with hesistation was," I know what you're trying to do but you'll get sick if you don't stop ." but her words don't stop me because I was finally slipping takingup less space and slipped into the corner of normality of eating disorders. What the fuck does plus size mean?

14. Night terrors to nightmares, flashbacks and panic attacks. I failed a class because I tried to commit suicide on christmas evening. It was so hard forgiving them but I forgave mself first instead because I knew forgiveness wouldn't have mattered to them and so I struggled to make peace with demons.

15. Jacob Jeremiah Ramos' roots were imported from Puerto Rico and grew American dreams. He taught me that there wll always be something worth living for. I stole a bottle of tequila from dad, mama wakes me up telling me she found it in my bag. Tequila is known to be the devils water, well I must of been the damn devil himself if it tasted like sweet nectaron my lips and tongue. I sat on the dinner table with tears streaking down my face wondering how I would be without seeing my mom for three weeks. To this day I sometimes cringe and tremble when I feel people breathe too close. I feel as if hands want to cover every inch of skin I have left from past damages. Tell me- have you ever been afraid to be alone in the same room with your dad?

16. We all wonder how many times parents pray for a child with no complications after birth.