Majority of this little group, but not a click, is single.
Best friends for six years and for some longer.
Our nights together involve laughing, talking, joking, napping, laughing, and silence…
All of us lying on the floor intertwining our bodies, legs on feet, head on chest.
The room gets hot, clothes are removed; tension tightens the air from arousals and sex driven hormones.
But nothing happens.
We talk about what we want, whether in a person or a relationship;
How we deserve better than what we settle for: Cheaters, douchebags, bitches, and dicks.
We had our share of all.
Hours go on as each person gives his or her description on what they seek.
Yet, every description is similar and you would think “why don’t we just date each other”.
But no one brings it up…ever
Messing around, flirtatious behaviors, intensifying our sexual needs.
But nothing goes past the point to the next level.
The level of intimacy, emotion, desire,…our hearts. Something forbidden.
We use each other for cuddling and comfort when we are lonely; craving to touch, to feel.
The smell of him is overwhelming as my mouth is on his ear, while his hands spill the scent of my hair over his face.
Towering over him, face a couple inches away looking at his lips, dying to kiss.
The moment shatters from interruption. From the realization of what could happen if we give in.
I feel like we friendzone one another in indirect ways by saying we are all gay.
So the guys will never get close to girls while the girls pretend we don’t like guys.
But it’s all one big ass lie.
Make believe to straddle down our minds and hands from wandering.
If one shows signs of breaking the game, a couple getting too close, the other calls him/her out.
Calming “you straight faggot” with a remark of “Dude I swear I thought it was a guy”, back to playing the game we live by.
Repeating the same cycle.
Either no one is attracted to each other to go the next mile or we just don’t want to put this friendship on the line.
To us, no relationship is worth over this friendship.
Maybe we have grown into a little family instead of just best friends.
Not wanting to change, screw up, because reality is settling in.
We are all separating.
Parting ways, heading to different colleges.
How can we keep up miles away, living our lives?
Seeing each other during breaks is enough for friendships.
But we all know it’s not enough for intimacy.
I just don’t think when it actually comes to a relationship I will be able to find someone that compares to them…
Knowing every secret, fact, sharing each memory, the humor, the bond;
It’s not easy to rebuild something so precious.
I love them. They are my first love.