heavy
i wish i had remembered how it felt to fly
my bones light as feathers
i swear i could sore anywhere i wanted to but i didn’t even bother to pay attention to what was in front of me
the beautiful lights turned to pictures
and pictures turned to memories and
remembering was as dangerous as loving was
because we try to find love but end up finding knives
and words that hurt like knives
and the memories flood in when i’m
sitting in my room
the lights are dim
because even if i don’t like myself i like mother nature
and i sprawl out on the cold floor
sit up after sit up
i couldn’t tell if the banging was on the door or my back hitting the ground
my spine screams at me as it curls to give me what i want
and what i want is peace
i mean this didn’t feel like peace but i was so conditioned to think
peace was found in ice for dinner
or my hair falling out
my time wasting away
as i waste away
my hands were cold but i never asked for them to be held
and i realize now i should’ve
sometimes i feel so ungrateful for my mind
but i did not ask for it to reside in me
i was mistaking food for poison
and this venomous disorder as food
fueling me to take up less space
this snake suffocated me with
something i had always feared
being heavy
but now i wish for it
i wanted
to be heavy
heavy with feelings, love, and life
i wanted to be heavy with hope
when people hear the word anorexia
they think of skinny girls
with flower crowns and bones
i think of yellow teeth and crying over sinks
but why doesn’t anyone think about me?
i’m not skinny
my teeth aren’t yellow
i’m so easily neglected by a word
but i think now i’m glad i am
that i can finally step back from all the words
and step back into the colors
that fill every part of me up with love
and finally
i get to be heavy again