i’ve been trying to find love in a billion relationships

and i’ve tried everything i can to make myself feel something

and i’ve pushed my feelings so far behind walls

and i’ve pushed people away to get free

and i’ve wrecked my body and my everything just to try to get free

and i’ve tried therapists and i’ve tried hospitals

and i’ve tried sleeping all the time and i’ve tried staying up every moment i can

and nothing is working

and i can’t find love in anything

and no matter what i do to feel my body goes numb and at the same time it throbs

and my scars don’t feel good under my skin

and everything is so wrong

and nightmares live in every resting moment

and my heart is trying so hard to live while it’s also trying to stop beating

and it doesn’t make sense

none of it makes any sense