My life…

Is moving…on…

Stuck in a cycle…

Unable to let go of my…

Addiction…

Over and Over…

I tell myself I’ll change…

But, lose myself in the process…

Ashamed to tell… my loved ones…

I feel dead already… dried up and spat out…

Hurt… in pain, I can’t stop feeling so high…

But, back in reality… everything feels like a kick in my gut.

My words… are mixed with lies and hate…

Nothing helps me… I try hard to come back…

To face my guilt, but get pushed back…

He won’t let me leave him… in the hell we already are in…

I have no need, no feeling to stay…

But, everything comes rushing back…

In the addiction I already face…

Telling me he still has feelings and love for me…

I can’t help, but go back into his arms…

When really I am nothing, but a desire for him…

   I look at myself…

   To see all the marks and bruises…

   Everywhere…

   I see nothing, but the walking dead in my face…

   I wonder where everything… good… went.

   Always happy before… nothing hurt me… inside and out…

   I feel disgusting…

   Unable to look back at what I did…

   Just now.

   Conflict after conflict…

   My life is spiraling out of control…

   Day after day…

   In his arms… at night.

   Unable to leave the house…

   His breath around my neck…

   Hovering around my body…

   Not waiting…

   His warming kisses… cause shivers to run down my back…

   Not wanting nothing, but loneliness… tears run down my face….

   As my shaking hands push his chest away from mines…

   His movements become quicker and quicker…

Still, trying to push him away… His hands grab me up…

My body is weak and small…

With his strong arms locked around me…

My back pressed against the cold bathroom door…

Locked in his piercing stare…

His whispers… lure me in…

I can’t help it…

My mind snaps into focus of what is happening…

I scream and cry out loud…

Anger grows on to his face…

As his hand cups my mouth.

My eyes open…

Tears keep running and his eyes locked on mines.

   I try to put my legs down… still, keeping my eyes on him…

   He is unreadable…

   His body begins to stiffen and his face lays on my shoulder…

   Losing his eyes… his begins to cry…

   Is he beginning to feel the guilt?

   He brings himself up and lets go of me…

Eyes of guilt…

Touching my arm of bruises…

His head nods, looking back to me…

His hands are shaking as he brings his hand up to touch my face…

My body tenses up…

Only to feel, his soft hands…

Feel on the marks softly…

   My mouth opens for words…

   But, what is there to say?

   It’s time to depart…

   My time to leave…

   He only feels guilt… now…

   No desire. No pleasure…

   No more addiction…

He opens the bathroom door… to grab the phone…

Confused, only to understand later…

He was doing it to get away…

Police sirens are faintly surrounding our neighborhood…

   Fear and joy rushes upon me…

   I am free…

Tears continue to run down his face…

As he comes to hug me one last time…

His whispers are nothing now…

Policemen running up the stairs…

   His kiss lingers onto my lips and the police break the door…

   The police surround him…

   As his arms go up…

   Surrendering to them…

   People surround the outside of the apartment…

Looking at me…

Everyone knows now…

I am in nothing but a tank top…

All my bruises visible…

Black, blue and purple…

   Shocked faces watch as he is walked down the hall…

   Someone takes a hold of me… walking me behind him…