Uncertainty (Adolecence)
Above all, I am a coward.
My friends, my family, they would say differently
They would say something nice, something sweet, something vapid
They would toss around words like kind and loyal and clever
I do not condone this
Above all, I am afraid of letting down their lofty expectations
(I feel I have already let down myself)
You could be an engineer, mother says
An Architect, a writer, a doctor (please be a doctor)
I could be nothing and nobody and penniless
.
.
.
Above all, I fear the future.
I fear tax returns and voting (wrong)
I fear rent and pills and driving
I fear responsibility.
I don't know how to socialize alone
Without school forcing me to
How to make appointments and schedule meetings and network
I don't know how to manipulate people
I want to be alone (I'm scared of being alone)
I fear my impending independence.
I fear the death of my parents
The distance of my siblings
and
dear
friends
I fear what I will become.
I fear myself, and my mind, and my blood and my eyes
they are too familiar, and not at all
I fear the darkness (and what it hides)
I fear I am sick,
and my sickness is humanity
(I hope it is)