My sister is dead

She was my age

We are young

 

My heart has been

Full of hate

Since I was 6 years old

 

I remember the first time

When I felt so unloved by the man

Who used to call me "daddy's girl"

 

He found a new wife and daughter

His new daughter was my age

We were young

 

We fought often

So very alike

And so put in unfair positions

 

We fought a lot

And military-man-dad really thought

We needed to fight it out

 

He gathered the "family"

They all sat around

And led by dad, cheered for us to beat the shit out of each other

 

I was't okay

I didn't want to hit and hurt

I just wanted a family

But I didn't know how to say that

And I didn't know why dad wanted his new daughter to hit me

 

I laid on the floor and cried

I didn't hit back

She pulled my hair

I didn't fight back

 

"Fight back!"
"You wanted to fight so much!"
"Fight back!"

 

I wouldn't

It wasn't right

It didn't make sense

 

And I was so sad

And I was six

And she was my age

 

And my tiny heart just hurt so fuckng badly

And I became angry so fucking suddenly

I wanted them all to die

 

That scared me

So as I laid there

Listening to my "family" cheer on my sister kicking me over and over

I took my anger into a ball

 

And I squished it

Like play-dough

Until it looked very very different

 

From that day on I always felt sad

Just sad.

Not angry.

Because I didn't want to hurt anyone.

I just wanted ... family?

 

It wasn't her fault

It wasn't my fault

We never had a chance to love each other

 

And now she's dead

She was an asshole

But she was still my sister

And now she's dead

The last words my dead sister ever said to me were spoken over the phone 2 years ago

 

"Don't ever call this number again. Fuck off cunt."

 

My heart is full of hate.